The Tale of the Boiling Water

Once upon a time, teenage daughter came stomping through into the family kitchen, complaining to her mother that her life was miserable and crappy and that she couldn't see it getting better. She was fed up with everything being a fight and a struggle all the time. It seemed to her, that just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed. Her mum pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and just pointed to it. So the daughter gave a big sigh, rolled her eyes and sat down on the kitchen chair with her arms folded. She watched as her mum filled three saucepans with water and placed each on the gas stove, with the heat turn up high.

"Err, mum, what on earth are you doing!?" the daughter asked with more than a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Just wait" she replied.

Then once the three pans began to boil, she placed a potato in one saucepan, an egg in the second, and ground coffee beans in the third. She then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to her daughter. The daughter, moaned, tutted, and sighed while impatiently waiting, still wondering what her mum was playing at. Then after twenty minutes the mother turned off the burners. Took the potato out of the pan and placed them it a bowl. Then she pulled the egg out and placed that too in a bowl. Then she poured the coffee out and into a mug.

Turning to her daughter, she asked. “What do you see?”

“A potato, an egg and a cup coffee!” the daughter hastily snapped, still with her arms folded.

“Look closer”, the mother said, “touch the potatoes.” So the daughter did and noticed how soft they were.

She then asked her to take the egg and crack it open. So after pulling off the shell, she observed the egg was very hard-boiled.

Finally, she asked her to have a sip of coffee. So she did, the rich aroma filled her nose and actually brought a smile to her face.

“Mum", she asked, "what does all this have to do with me?”

So the mother explained that the potato, the egg and the coffee beans had all faced the same adversary – the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently. The potato went into it strong, hard and unrelenting, but in the boiling water, had became soft and fluffy. The egg was fragile, with it's thin shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they actually changed the water and created something new.

“Which one are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Do have yourselves a simply gorgeous Friday, I'll see you on the flip side.

This looks like a job for . . .

So today I would like to discuss being unemployed, I know, it’s a scary subject, but it is something we have all had to deal with at some point in our lives, and it is one thing that leads those who experience it down a spiralling slope into to full blown depression. I myself have been made redundant twice before, it’s not nice. It does make you feel utterly worthless. One Christmas Eve many years ago I was even dragged into one of my then boss’s office to be told that they were going to make me redundant that day, but had decided not to, because someone had told them they were planning on leaving. Merry Christmas to you Carl!

The trouble is, you start listening to all the negative statistics and carry them around with you, which only adds to your burden. Things like, “Oh there’s no jobs out there”, “It’s only going to get worse, before it gets better”, “It’s all this governments fault.” and “80% of all th jobs are never advertised anyway, they’re just given to someone they know!”. So my first piece of advice is if you find yourself talking to one of these negative vibers, move away aand go and talk to someone with a bit more interest with how you’re actually feeling!

So how do you give support and help motivate those people who find themselves in this position? I believe that every person is born with the tools to be able to motivate. The main tool is the believing you are in control. We all like doing things that we control. Think about it, what things do you like doing? You’ll find most of them, us being in control is at the center of it all.

There will always be those people, who genuinely think they’re being helpful, talking about how bad it is out there for people to find jobs. Stop it! It isn’t! If someone loses their job and you tell them how bad it is, that’s not helping them with thinking they are in control. Sometime people who find themselves between jobs, go to something like a job club, which is generally full of people who have been unemployed for such a long time, who then give horror stories to this newly unemployed person. This does not help either! Then the news will chip in with it’s latest unemployment rates, which currently is about 7.7% and tell us all how bad that is. All of these things helps the person involved lose any sense of control about their situation.

There are things to help a person who finds themselves currently between jobs gain a little sense of control over their situation. Firstly, stop worrying about the unemployment, it has nothing to do with this person’s abilities and what they can achieve. Then, my advice if you still want to pay attention to those things, would be to make pie chart (well you’ve got a bit of time on your hands) showing the current “Employment Rate” which at the moment is at an encouraging 92.3%! Now those are some good odds! If you ever find yourself in this situation remember that you can beat the odds if you try to focus on staying positive. Remember, you’re not looking for hundreds of jobs, just the one that is meant for you, and every ‘no’ you get is just brings you one step closer to the ‘yes’ you’ve been waiting for.

I know this is going to sound corny but it’s true. Every ending is at the same time, a new beginning, a new opportunity, the next chapter, the start of a new adventure, a chance to grow, a chance to change, or to even try something new. It might even be a time to just rest and to listen to other people.

Do look after yourselves, and each other.

Sleepless in Burgess Hill

Good Monday and howdy doody to you fact fans. Did you know, that every time you take a step, you are using up to 200 muscles! Although, to me it feels like I'm needing around 800 muscles just to lift a leg this morning. Now I know some of this may be down to the fact that it's a Monday, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it stems from not being overly productive in the sleeping department over the weekend. It's been rubbish!

No idea why sadly, it's not like a was laying awake with something specific on my mind. The only thought that seemed to be taking over was the one that was saying "Well this is annoying! Why aren't I asleep?". Did you know, that just being awake for 18 hours, has the same effect on your brain as drinking 2 to 3 beers!? So it would seem by the end of the day today I'm going to be completely sozzled! Hmmm, maybe it's not so bad after all? Although my brain does feel like it's been dipped in treacle and then covered in cotton wool at the moment. I can't help but maybe I should of referred to the fact that, just five minutes of cuddling before sleep relaxes the mind, reducing the process of over thinking which in turn makes it easier to fall asleep.

So yes it is Monday I'm afraid, I know things always seem a little more difficult. So here's some more facts about Mondays that maybe you didn't know. For instance, did you know that most people do not smile until at least 11.16 on Monday morning. Or the fact that most people spend at least 12 minutes complaining on a Monday. Also on Monday's we are generally only really productive at work for only three and a half hours. Mind you there are positive side to a Monday as well, I mean did you also know, despite the weather today, Monday is statistically the least rainy day of the week!? Oh and if you're planning to buy a car, the best day to do it is a Monday. As most sales are made during the weekend, and most salesmen see Monday's as a slow day, so they are more willing to make a better offer!

So, for my final fact, if you're feeling all Mondayish and stressful today, do take note that kissing causes the body to release high amounts of oxytocin, which boosts your mood and lowers levels of stress. So my tip for us all today is to go and grab yourselves a big kiss and a tight cuddle and prepare to feel a lot better about your Monday.

The foot of days

Oh yes my dear friends, once again the 'foot of days' has passed through the dark 'trouser leg of the working week'. It started it's journey at the arse end on Monday, past the thighs and lows of Tuesday, the knee jointed knee-dy Wednesday, down through the shapely calves of Thursday, before emerging through the open leg hole into the bright lights of Friday.

So it's time to take stock, breathe in the gloriousness and freshness of a brand new gleaming Friday. It's time to cherish each passing moment, clutch it to our heaving bosoms (metaphorically if you happen to be a gentleman) and to take in the wonder and mimsy whimsy of an approaching joyous weekend.

I do apologise for getting slightly poetic with my turn of phrase, but it's just the effect that a Friday seems to have on me. Of course if you wish to point the skeletal finger of blame towards anyone, it would have to be the Amazing Lady T. Only the other day, she rightly pointed out to me that my use and appreciation of words has grown expodentially since marrying her.

It's true, I was a driveling buffoon by comparison when she met me. (No saying "well you haven't changed that much then!" RUDE!) I guess she has made me want to become a better person, to be the best version of me that I can be. Over the years she has subconsciously and quite often very consciously molded my rough exterior into the frankly fabulous person you see before you today. Sadly of course, I can't claim to of had the same effect on the Awe Inspiring Lady T. After all it was Newton that said "Everything has an equal and opposite reaction". So if the Marvellous Lady T has in anyway become a lesser person than she was before she met me, it's more than likely my fault. For that I can only hold my hands out and apologise.

Well I suppose I better let you get on and greet your Friday with the open arms and smiling face that it deserves. Do have yourself a fantastic weekend full of laughs and guffaws. I'll see you all on the flip-side!

The story of the Starfish

Good morning!! *air kiss on both cheeks* How are you!? You're looking fabulous this morning. I love what you're wearing! Have you lost weight? Anyway, come in! come in! Do find yourself a comfy chair, (No no! Not the comfy chair!) a giant cosy bean bag or a large soft cushion. (No!! Not the soft cushion! With all the stuffing jammed into one corner!) Just flop yourself down, I'll bring you all your Teas, fresh coffees, Ovaltines, or hot chocolates shortly. Does anyone want a sticky bun? No!? Too early perhaps? I do have some giant double chocolate cookies if you prefer, or perhaps a hot buttered croissant? Still do just make yourself at home and sit where you like.

Well good morning everyone. I'm so glad you could all join me here this morning, for today's little Friday Eve gathering. I wanted to share with you today the story of the starfish.

Not so long ago a man was taking a morning walk along the beach in Cornwall. He did this every morning, and had noticed that along with the morning tide each day, came hundreds of starfish. Then when the tide receded, the poor stricken starfish would be left behind and during the morning the sun would shine, and with no protection or enough speed to make it back to the water, they would die.

At this moment though, the tide was still fresh and the starfish were alive. So the man took a few steps, bent down and carefully picked one up and threw it back into the water. He did this repeatedly. Over and over again he would pick up one of the starfish and throw it back into the safety of the sea.

Just then, an early morning jogger happened along the sand and noticed what the man was doing. He couldn't understand why this man was randomly throwing starfish back into the sea. He caught up to him and asked, "Excuse me mate, but I have to ask. What are you doing? There's hundreds of starfish along this beach. How many do you think you can you help? I mean what difference does it really make?"

The man did not reply, instead he took two more steps, gently picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the water, and then said, "Well, it makes a difference to this one."

So when you ask yourselves, in the grand scheme of things, what difference do I really make? Know this! Big or small, it doesn't really matter. If everyone makes a tiny difference, we'd end up with a whole big difference, wouldn't we?

Do look after yourselves, and each other.

Fanfare for Friday

Good morning, and welcome to, by far the greatest working day of them all. Ladies and gentlemen of all ages, (he says while twirling his moustache) I give to you . . . (more moutashe twirling) . . . your Friday. (large red velvet curtains sweep open revealing a rather damp grey day) Yes, it may be wetter than hippo's undercarriage out there, and have more of a nip in the air than Spearmint Rhino on a Saturday evening, but still Friday it is, and joy it will bring. You may well be looking out the window this morning and thinking to yourself 'Euurgh, it looks 'orrible out there' and in part you may be right. But dear fellow traveler of bumpy road of life, it IS still Friday . . . 'ahem' . . . let me tell you what I mean . . .

Friday is certainly the greatest day,
The reasons for this, are too many to say,
It really don’t matter, if there’s sunshine or rain,
It’s really quite simple, so let me explain.

On Friday you see, you can work with a smile.
We may be toiling, but it’s only a while.
There’s bubbles of joy, for the weekend is near.
When we can switch off, relax, and have beer.

Everyone’s happier on a Friday,
Knowing that soon, we can skip off and play,
Friday’s a day when we should give in to fun,
There’s no point in hiding, there’s nowhere to run.

With a bounce in our step, and a dance in our heart,
There’s hugs to be had, and jokes to impart,
When afternoon comes there’s the slowing of time,
But we will get through it, it'll all be just fine.

So just join with me, with a laugh and cheer,
The work week is ending, the weekend is near,
So stand up and sing, and give praise to this day,
Fridays are awesome, that’s all there's to say.

*(Carl does a low bow using his top hat for more emphasis, then disappears off into the horizon. Doing a sort of cross between a march and a dance, as he leads the marching band, who appeared at the end of verse 2, and the dancers, who were once just passers by, but are currently back-flipping alongside the band)*

Love, Love me Brew!

Morning all! Now it's a little known fact that The Beatles hauntingly beautiful song 'Yesterday' was originally called 'Scrabbled Eggs'. No really! It was! Now I like to think that the Beatles draw in my brain is pretty full, but I must admit I didn't know this fact until just the other day, when it was brought up on 'Pointless'.

Apparently Paul had already come up with the tune, but just couldn't find the right lyrics to go with it. So, just for a laugh, he came up with some working lyrics for the purpose of practicing the tune. So without further a do, ladies and gentlemen I give to you Paul McCartney’s original working lyrics for the song 'Yesterday':

Scrambled eggs
Have an omelette with some Muenster cheese
Put your dishes in the wash bin please
So I can clean the scrambled eggs

Join me do
There’s a lot of eggs for me and you
I’ve got ham and cheese and bacon too
So go get two and join me do

Fried or sunny side
Just aren’t right
The mix-bowl begs
Quick, go get a pan, and we’ll scramble up some eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs

Scrambled eggs
Good for breakfast, dinner time or brunch
Don’t buy six or twelve, just get a bunch
And we’ll have a lunch on scrambled eggs.

Helloooooo Friday!

There's a slight chill in the predawn air, aside from the distant murmur of the traffic on the busy A road and the trill of a lone blackbird, all is silent. The clear cobalt night sky now starting to pale into shades of powder blue and pink as the sun begins to rise from just below the horizon. Shuffling footsteps and the jangling of a set of keys causes a rabbit to scurry from it's dining spot on a small grassy mound and dart into the safety of it burrow. The world is waking up, all around life is preparing for the coming day.

"Hellooooooooooo Friday!"

Morning world! How is your belly off for spots? Not sure why, I'm feeling SO chipper this morning to be honest with you, having once again arrived at the arse crack of dawn. Yes I have been tirelessly ottering away here since about half five-ish this morning. (I would say 'beavering' but we don't have them in this country) Must be just the Friday feeling kicking in, well that or just a little bit of derangement over taking.

Yes it seems the great god of work tasks Beelzebag has bestowed upon me many many blessings once more. Still, mustn't grumble, I suppose it does mean today will 'fly by' like song from Blue. Plus there is milk in the work fridge and enough coffee to get me through the tricky patch at the beginning of the day.

So I suppose I shouldn't really be on here harping on about how busy I am, and how much work I have to do, as doing this doesn't really get and actual work done. In my defence, it is Friday and I can't let that go unchecked no can I?! Also, as I've already stated I have been here over an hour and a half already, so there's no harm in having a little escape for five minutes.

Do have yourselves a right rip roarer of a Friday, DO go around spreading smiles, and granting enormous hugs. We really do all need them, that's just a fact. Right, well, wish me luck I'm going back out there . . . I may be some time.

The Real 'YOLO'.

Well slap my buttocks with a warm tea tray and call me Lance, if it isn't 'Friday Eve' again already! Can't believe to speed that this week has rocketed through at. Well they do say that as you get older, you seem to perceive time traveling quicker than it did when you were younger. Although they do also say that time flies when you're having fun. So maybe it's just a fact that as we get older we just have more fun!?

I mean certainly true that as we get older we seem to care less and less about what people think, about us, about what we look like, about how we act, and about our opinions. We seem to acquire a kind of 'cloak of protection' to how other people see us, at least for the most part. It's only really those that matter to us the most that can get past that protective cloak we wear.

Generally speaking though I think we become a little freer as we get older because of this new outlook as well. Although that may be down to the fact, that we start to see things on a scale of how important they are to us and our happiness. So really it's down to the fact that all of a sudden, things that shouldn't really matter, start to actually not really matter. Well, there's got to a be a few plus points in getting older hasn't there and I think that not giving a hoot what people think about us is certainly one of the good ones. We very much adopt the (if you'll excuse me for using the term) YOLO approach to life! Sure, teenagers think they live like that, but we know they don't really! Almost everything they say, everything they do, and the way they act is generally about trying to impress someone at some level. Plus you won't find one of them that doesn't care about what other people think about the way they dress either!

Oh yes, I do believe the true YOLO outlook is reserved for all of us as we get older and meander on our own little section of life's stream. Do look after yourselves . . . and each other.

MORNIN'!

Good mornin', Good mornin'! We've danced the whole night through, good mornin' good mornin' to you.

Well it's not often you can say you've woken up to Judy Garland now is it! Sadly, this is what was going through my head this morning as I tore my carcass from it's pit of slumber. Yet another fail in my manly music taste I know, but there it is! Plus of course it's Monday morning, for crying out loud to Betsy! (Who is Betsy exactly?) I shouldn't be having chirpy Judy Garland songs rampaging through my frontal lobe early on a Monday morning it's just not right! Surely a bit of Boomtown Rats would of been more appropriate, but NO, my brain immediately opts for the more than a little camp 1939 musical number instead! I really should just go and hang my head in shame somewhere I know. I don't even know what the song was doing in there in the first place, as I'm pretty sure I've never even seen the film! Ahh well, what's done is done, it's all water under the bridge now.

So yes, I'm afraid it is Monday once again, and already I've been beavering away like a little elfish shoe maker, (There's a guy who works down the chip shop swears he's elfish!) setting machines in motion, printing wallpaper and generally getting things done before the cobbler arrives at work to find that all of the stuff that's he's been worrying about over the weekend is already done. All this with only one coffee inside me as well, not bad ay!?

Right, well, I mustn't hold you up any longer you need to get a wriggle on and get busy with your own morning routine I suspect, can't lay around all morning reading my jibbering nonsense. Although, I will say, you are looking particularly lovely this morning if you don't mind me saying. So let's go grapple with this Monday without further a do, (What's a 'do' do?) (No it's not and famously extinct bird, before you say it!) breathe a deep cleansing breath in, and hold it . . . (do try not to cough it out at this point, that's never a good look) . . . and breathe out. Ahhhh.

Come on then Monday, let's be 'avin' you!

To the tune of Friday!

Well I can't help but notice that the blessed Friday has arrived. So with that in mind and because I'm feeling tuneful here's a little Friday ditty.

So, to the tune of the Queen classic, Don't Stop Me Now if you would please:

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time,
I feel ali-i-i-ive, and all work, I’ll forget about, Yeah!
I'm floating around feeling plain silly,
‘Cause it’s Fri-day now . . . it’s Friday,
So let’s have a good time, let’s have a good time!

We’ll be stalking bars up the town like a tiger,
defying the laws of decency,
Just to buy a round costs way more than a fiver,
This I know so go,
There’s no stopping me!

I’ll be going out tonight, yeah!
In my trilby
That's why they call me Sergeant Batista
I’ll be dancing like the ‘Hit Man and Her’
I wanna have a supersonic night out with you

It’s Friday now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
It’s Friday now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

It’s Friday now ('cause I'm having a good time)
It’s Friday now (yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all... yeah!

I'll be in a silly mood on my way to bars,
with a smile of course,
Then with a satellite and using me phone,
I’ll take some pictures, just for a laugh,
I love to photo bomb and then
Oh oh oh oh, oh upload!

I’ll be going out tonight, yeah!
In my trilby
That's why they call me Sergeant Batista
I’ll be dancing like the ‘Hit Man and Her’
I wanna have a supersonic night out with you

It’s Friday,
It’s Friday,
It’s Friday,
Hey hey hey!

It’s Friday,
It’s Friday,
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)

It’s Friday,
It’s Friday,
Let’s have a good time, good time

It’s Friday,
It’s Friday,

Ooh ooh alright

Ooooh I’ll be going out tonight, yeah!
In my trilby
That's why they call me Sergeant Batista
I’ll be dancing like the ‘Hit Man and Her’
I wanna have a supersonic night out with you

It’s Friday now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
It’s Friday now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

It’s Friday now ('cause I'm having a good time)
It’s Friday now (yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all . . .

Contracting the anti-virus.

Good morning to you all, especially to you! Well I'm not going to lie, this morning was a struggle. I know it's Monday and traditionally supposed to be a bit of struggle, however this morning just seems a little more tricky to get going than even your average Monday. Really if anything it should of been slightly easier today, what with this temporary bout of early Autumnal sunshine we've got going on this morning, there were even pink fluffy clouds gracing the azure as I stepped out the front door. So really there should be no excuse.

So I'm not really sure what has brought on this feeling of mild dread and foreboding. I can only assume my hind brain is onto something that it hasn't shared with the rest of my being as yet. So it is with slight anticipation that I come to you this morning. It feels like I'm just waiting for whatever it is to suddenly drop from a great height onto my head.

Of course, I hope that this niggle of trepidation and disquiet is not shared by all of us this morning or I'd be really worried. Perhaps you've woken up with a bit of a bounce today? Perhaps you've woken feeling unusually chipper for Monday? Maybe you've woken up with one of those anti-virus's that I have considered have existed for many years now.

You see, according to Newton, everything has an equal and opposite reaction. So in my theory, some days you awaken feeling run down, lethargic and low, it could possibly be down to a virus. Doesn't it make sense that some days you may wake up unusually bright eyed, alert, full of energy and feeling fantastic? These days you may well be suffering from an anti-virus. I'm sure we've all had them, on days where there is no real reason for feeling it.

If you do ever experience one of these days, do make sure and spend lots of time in close vicinity of people, as anti-virus may well be contagious too! I certainly wish I had one of those today at any rate.

See yawl tomorrow, if nothing dreadful and worthy of my foreboding has happened that is.

Triskaidekaphobia anyone?

Wakey wakey sleepy heads, and indeed prepare yourself for your very own large slice of Friday. Yes, yes I know it may well be Friday the 13th, and for some bizarre reason some people still enter this day with dread and foreboding. I even heard of someone who a colleague of mine used to work with, that after once having a fall and breaking his leg on a Friday the 13th always made sure to book that particular day off work to spend their whole day under the duvet to avoid any shenanigans. Nothing wrong with booking a day off to spend in bed all day of course, just don't do it because of a silly superstition! Although, sadly during one of these days under his duvet, the water tank in the man's loft sprung a leak and his entire bedroom ceiling collapsed upon him in a flood of water! Sad, funny, and yet true story! I'm sure there is probably an awesome moral to that story, I just can't quite put my finger on it.

Still, I suppose if you are in the mind frame that bad things are going to happen to you just because it's a certain day, the chances are you are more likely to notice any bad things, no matter how small they may be, and put the blame on a random date! Thankfully most of us do not suffer from Triskaidekaphobia and just see the 13th as just another gorgeous Friday!

So don't sit back and hide in the shadows today, if bad things are going to happen today, chances are they would of happened anyway even if the date had been Tuesday the 10th! (You can never really fully trust a Tuesday of course) So fling back the duvet and bounce around your bedroom, today is Friday, it will be a good day! It will be a celebration of joy and life in abundance all day! So let's grab it and make to most of all it has to offer us!

Bright and shiney this morning?

Well hello there, and indeed a good morning to you. I trust we are all happy residents of Goodmorningshire this morning and that we are all shining bright like a diamond as a young Robyn Fenty would say? Even if we're not, there's very little we can do about it now. Wednesday is upon us, it has come over and parked it's enormous and furry, heavy backside on our laps, wagged it's small tree-like tail which has whipped us in the face and made itself comfortable. Like a St Bernard fulfilling it's want to be a lap dog to it's weary owner. It's heart's in the right place, it's just a little too big and cumbersome to be sitting on people's laps.

Still, deal with it we must Wednesday's may well be big and overpowering and leave us feeling a little squashed, but let's not forget that come lunchtime we can climb on board that long bumpy slide that runs all the way down to the weekend. A call for much 'Huzzahing' if ever there was one.

So sit back, grab yourself a coffee or a tea or which ever morning beverage does it for you, and give yourself just two minutes of sitting time, preferably with your eye's closed. Take a few deep breaths in . . . and hold it (Blimey do be careful with that chest of yours, you could have somebody's eye out!) . . . and then slowly let them out, (that's the breath's by the way, not what you were thinking! tuh! honestly!) you'll be amazed a what a difference this can make to your otherwise preempted stressful day.

Right . . . well . . . I suppose I must go and make the world look slightly more awesome! So I'll see you all tomorrow! x

Ahhh normality reigns!

Good morning you little crystal bowls of brightly coloured gem stones. Now I know I don't often say this, but Ahhh Tuesday, how good it is to see you . . . Thankfully the fragrant whiff of normality has finally descended around me. The harsh, thick black clouds of maniacal stress have thinned out and dispersed, leaving me with a clear blue, sunny sky once again.

Yes dear status readers, gone are the mornings of getting up at 5am and then high tailing it (where does that phrase come from?) into work as quickly as I can, so I can fly around the office solidly working my little socks off. (Yes socks are back on my feet now, I have finally and sadly returned the shorts to the cupboard. Farewell Summer 2013 you were amazeballs) Going from one desperately urgent job to the next and then back again like I was fighting fires. Then doing this in the same frenzied state, with hardly enough time to swallow my lunchtime yoghurt, until the blessings of 5 o'clock and home time arrived, when I could go home and crumple into a large brain fried heap, and prepare myself to do the same thing the following day . . . Well they're gone until the next big thing arrives with hardly any time to do it in.

So how have you all been? I've missed you all! Yes even you!! Honestly it's such a relief to brush against the comforting pillow of calmness once more. Still plenty to do of course, but not so much that I spiral into the dark hole of derangement.

Mind you I did have to face my fears and do battle this morning when my alarm sounded at the much more reasonable time. There was a spider in the sink! Now normally of course I would call for the Heroic Spider Ridder at this point, a.k.a Lady T to deal with the fear inducing octoped. However she wasn't due to get up until half seven this morning, so it seemed a little unfair. So in the end I grabbed the very large bathroom jug, (We all have them, for those days when we wish to soak in the bath, but still wish to wash our hair) filled it to the brim from the bath and poured the torrent of water over it, in the vain hope it would disappear down the plug hole. It didn't. I couldn't believe it! It clung onto the sink despite having the entire jugful of water wash over it! At this point I panicked and quickly refilled it, thankfully after it found it's feet and started scuttling around it must of lost it's footing as the second tidal wave of bath water seemed to do the trick. Although I did then shower with the sinks plug firmly in place, just to be sure. Still one can do without that kind of adrenalin filled shenanigans first thing in the morning.

Ah well, things to do and coffee to drink I suppose. See you all tomorrow! x

This is not a test . . .

Goooooooooooooooood morning everyone! Hey, is it a little too early for being that loud? Hey, too late! It's 'O' six hundred hours and what does the 'O' stand for? Oh my God it's early! Speaking of early, you know what they say, early to bed, early to rise, always makes people suspicious. I'm just joking with ya, speaking of funny, I saw an advert the other day for hemorrhoid cream. Why are they called 'hemorrhoids'? Shouldn't they be called 'assteroids'? Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. Try the veal, it's lovely.

Seriously though, I'm only in this early because I have such a lot to do today, apparently there's a Boat Show on in Southampton and they needs gorgeous graphics for it. Yet despite that, apparently I'll be doing them! They are all needed by close of play on Friday as well! Such fun! So I really ought to start doing them soon I suppose.

So I was going to forgo my usual droning today and just say I'm really sorry I don't have time to write lovely morning waffle this morning (who doesn't like waffle in the morning?) but instead I seemed to slipped into some kind of 'way too early' lack of sleep induced frenzy!

Still, it's all a giggle isn't it? Who cares if it means trouble for myself by the end of play tomorrow. I mean sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called having fun.

See ya tomorrow!

Tiredly muchness.

Good morning flowers! I trust you are keeping well despite it all? Still forcing yourself up to face yet another day on life's great conveyer belt? Just keep smiling and acting the fool, we'll be fine! I know people keep telling us that 'Life's not a dress rehearsal' but maybe we should pretend that it is? That way, maybe we would worry a lot less and not make the mountains out of the molehills we face. Maybe we would spend a lot less time stressing over getting stuff wrong and just accept things for the minor hiccups they are? Who knows? Or maybe it's just to early for a conversation this deep?

Sorry about that, I nearly broke into a Philosophical Phursday on a Wednesday! Just managed to stop myself, phew!

Still, morning to you again fine fellows, I trust you are all well rested? I sadly cannot brag the same. Had one of those rubbish sleeps again last night, just couldn't get off. I blame the moth/fly we had sharing the bedroom with us last night. I call it the moth/fly because as the illustrious Mrs T pointed out at the time, although it was actually a fly, it was acting like a moth. Loudly buzzing about while flailing around like it didn't know how to fly. Then constantly smacking it's head against walls and curtains, before resting behind the wall lights so it could burn it's feet on the light bulb and start the process over again!

Not very conducive to help getting off to sleep or just trying to read as I was at the time. I did get out of bed twice to fetch a towel so I could swat it, but every time I got out of bed and grabbed the towel it disappeared! Then the moment I got back into bed . . . "Bzzzzzzzz...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Grrrr! Then to top it all off, it had the nerve to try and fly directly up my left nostril! It's amazing how much panic the feel of having a fly trying to insert itself in your face can cause. Not just to the victim but to the poor unsuspecting person laying next to you as well, who suddenly wonders why their other half is suddenly waving their arms like a looney and trying to blow through their nose.

Suffice to say, after that incident I was very much awake and not at all ready for sleepyness, which means I am very tiredly today. Thankfully I did manage to drift off eventually, but I had started doing the 'laying awake and worrying about what time you have to get up' thing and the 'how much time you have got left to sleep'. Not a good idea.

Still got to keep on keeping on and all that!

The return of the great beast.

"So now . . . we finally see . . . after waiting for two weeks . . . the unwieldy and disheveled frame of the Carlimus Maximus Tidium or 'The Common Lump' arise from it's Summer slumber. It seems like months ago now, that it crawled into it's cave for it's Summer break. But now . . . as we watch . . . it stumbles, but manages to stand upright before us, yawning and blinking in the early Autumn sunshine, still proudly displaying it's Summer Plumage."

"Of course you will find 'The Common Lump' will continue with it's Summer plumage until the late Autumn. Or at least, usually much later than most other creatures sporting Summer plumage."

"Now with it's eyes still half closed we see it tentatively reach out and take it's first drink after leaving it's cave . . ."


MORNING!! Ahhh that first coffee, always makes the difference.

How are we all then? Actually I'm not feeling too bad this morning, despite waking from a dream that I was having a bath and noticed that I had various items of table cutlery sticking out of my calf muscles!? Weird I know! There was no blood or anything, or even any pain associated with it, just had silver table forks, knives and spoons and weirdly teaspoons, seemingly inserted into the back of my legs!

Still, enough dream analysis, I back behind my desk now. I thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was getting up today. Still, there's no point in trying to fight it I suppose, I'm back in the driving seat, so I may as well get on with things rather than just moan about them. As let's be honest, that doesn't really help anyone!

HUGE HUGS to anyone who has even noticed I've been away! xx

May I tickle your Thursday Funny?

G'mornin me lovelies, how are we all today? I've woken up in a funny mood this morning. So I best make the most it and spread some Thursday funny I reckon! (My apologies certainly go to Mr Tim Vine for frankly nabbing most of your material).

Honestly I must of slept like a log last night.
I woke up in the fireplace.

Do you know, I went to the dentist on Tuesday. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? Well the one I was in went backwards and forwards instead! I thought 'This is unusual'. Then dentist said to me 'Mr Tidy, can you get out of the filing cabinet now please'.

Seriously though, I’m that excited about finally having some time off come Friday, the other day I tried zipping myself into a small suitcase!
I could hardly contain myself.

Mind you, last year I went on one of those once-in-a-lifetime holidays.
I'll tell you what, never again.

While I was there I went for a dip in the sea and loads of meat floated past me!
Well it was a bit choppy.

I was coming home the other day and I met this guy who looked a bit like a gangster. Apparently he goes around pulling up the back of people's pants!
It was Wedgie Kray.

When I got home, I got a text from a friend who's apparently fallen in love with two school bags! He's bisatchel.

Mind you, that's nothing I once went out on a date with a Simile.
I don't know what I metaphor.

So I was at home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You were!'

I went to the train station the other day and I said to the bloke behind the counter: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "Aww thanks very much, I might look like James Corden, but I've never been on telly."

I cleaned the attic with the wife last weekend.
She still can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
After we cleaned it though, I rang up a local building firm, and I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

A jumplead walks into a bar.
The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint for me please, and one for the road."

I do go and see a therapist from time to time actually, he tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance . . . Well we'll just see about that!

I went to the doctors the other day and I said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite!

I bought a packet of peanuts, the other day and on the packet it said 'May contain nuts'. Well, YES I KNOW! That's what I bought them for! I would of been really annoyed if I had opened it and a small socket set fell out!

I went out to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I just couldn't find any!
So instead, I went to the corner shop – Managed to buy myself four corners!

Ain't no mountain high enough . . .

Oh yes, the dizzy heights of Wednesday now await us. The summit of Mount Wednesday is stretching up before us, seemingly scraping the clouds from the sky and gathering them around it's peak. Pausing now and taking a deep breath we turn looking down behind us. The foothills of Monday and the steady incline of Tuesday seem so distant and insignificant to us now. Even more so from this altitude, where they appear so small. Even if when we set out together to face the working week, it felt like our feet were made of lead and the thought of clambering skyward seemed an impossible task.

Yet, here we all are. The intrepid souls still all together and for the most part, in reasonable health. Though at this point the air is so thin we find it a struggle to even draw breath, we know that just one more arduous push this morning, should see us conquer Mount Wednesday's terrifying and rock spiked, spire like peak.

Still we take solace, knowing that on the other side of that twisted pinnacle lays the plateau of Wednesday lunchtime. Where we can rest, before boarding the large opulent cable car to travel in comfort to the warm and inviting weeks end thousands of feet below.

May you all have a great journey fellow travelers.