May I tickle your Thursday Funny?

G'mornin me lovelies, how are we all today? I've woken up in a funny mood this morning. So I best make the most it and spread some Thursday funny I reckon! (My apologies certainly go to Mr Tim Vine for frankly nabbing most of your material).

Honestly I must of slept like a log last night.
I woke up in the fireplace.

Do you know, I went to the dentist on Tuesday. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? Well the one I was in went backwards and forwards instead! I thought 'This is unusual'. Then dentist said to me 'Mr Tidy, can you get out of the filing cabinet now please'.

Seriously though, I’m that excited about finally having some time off come Friday, the other day I tried zipping myself into a small suitcase!
I could hardly contain myself.

Mind you, last year I went on one of those once-in-a-lifetime holidays.
I'll tell you what, never again.

While I was there I went for a dip in the sea and loads of meat floated past me!
Well it was a bit choppy.

I was coming home the other day and I met this guy who looked a bit like a gangster. Apparently he goes around pulling up the back of people's pants!
It was Wedgie Kray.

When I got home, I got a text from a friend who's apparently fallen in love with two school bags! He's bisatchel.

Mind you, that's nothing I once went out on a date with a Simile.
I don't know what I metaphor.

So I was at home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You were!'

I went to the train station the other day and I said to the bloke behind the counter: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "Aww thanks very much, I might look like James Corden, but I've never been on telly."

I cleaned the attic with the wife last weekend.
She still can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
After we cleaned it though, I rang up a local building firm, and I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

A jumplead walks into a bar.
The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint for me please, and one for the road."

I do go and see a therapist from time to time actually, he tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance . . . Well we'll just see about that!

I went to the doctors the other day and I said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite!

I bought a packet of peanuts, the other day and on the packet it said 'May contain nuts'. Well, YES I KNOW! That's what I bought them for! I would of been really annoyed if I had opened it and a small socket set fell out!

I went out to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I just couldn't find any!
So instead, I went to the corner shop – Managed to buy myself four corners!