ahem
. . . (adopts newsreader voice and shuffles papers) . . ."Good
morning." (Looks over top of imaginary glasses. The team here at CTTV
would like to apologise for today's change to the previously scheduled
programme. Yesterday we announced that today's topic of in depth
discussion and focus would be on the subject of passing wind. However
during the day the team met and thought as this Sunday marks Mothering
Sunday it would be inappropriate to have such discussion, as obviously
mothers do not do that kind of thing. So instead please enjoy today's
more fitting programme "Mothers And The Lost Plot".
Well hello
to you! Yes I know it's early and I probably will be a nightmare until
about lunchtime because of all the adrenalin when being up to early.
Just thank someone you're not here with me! Really! I am SO annoying
when it's early if you're not one of those who love a good early start.
Oh and for those of you who regularly tune in, you'll be pleased to
learn that that rampant frog orgy that was going on yesterday has
dispersed from the office frontage.
Anyway as it's Mothers Day
on Sunday, (If you had forgotten and have just been reminded, you're
welcome) I would like to talk about mums. Now my mum, and I'm sure she's
not alone, is shall we say not always at home to Mr Plot. Don't get me
wrong I love my mum for so many reasons, one of which is of course as a
source of comedic value. For example:
I think I first realised
that mum perhaps wasn't firing on the same cylinders as the rest of us
back in the early 80s. It was the evening before dad's 40th birthday and
me and my sister where hanging about on the stairs not wanting to go up
to go to bed. Dad meanwhile was examining all of his presents from
various relatives. Picking them up, giving them a feel and boasting that
he knew what they were. (No I shall not insert a Starwars "I have felt
you presents" joke in here) Anyway, one of them was giving him trouble.
It was from my mums brother. The conversation went like this: DAD: "Well
I don't know what it is! It feels like a tiny suitcase!? I've got no
idea!" MUM: (At this point you have to imagine me doing an exaggerated
impression of mum, well we all do one when repeating anything mums say.
FACT.) "Well I know what it is! (Then in a singy voice) I know something
you don't know, I know something you don't know!. Now you two! (turning
her attention to me and my sister) It's time for BED! CASSETTE CASE UP
THEM STAIRS!!" At first we just ran up the stairs. then we stopped
because we were a little confused with the instructions! Yes mum had
blurted out what the present was for some random reason! Dad of course
was in fits of giggles at this point as was mum! Who frankly couldn't
believe what she had said herself!
There are of course many
stories similar to this, including the time when mum was on the phone to
her sister running in and out of the lounge, the kitchen, then upstairs
and back down again, looking around desperately for something. When dad
grabbed her attention while she was still on the phone and asked her in
a whispered tone "What are you looking for?" She replied "The PHONE! I
can't find the phone!". Sad but true!
Then of course there was
the classic when mum and dad went to Brighton to do a bit of shopping
and while they were having lunch at a restaurant dad noticed that the
'home phone' was in her handbag. When he asked "Why have you brought
that with you?" She replied "Well in case we got seperated and I needed
to phone you!" Forgetting of course that she actually already had a
mobile phone for such things!
She always laughs about these
things of course cos as she says (puts on mum voice) "I know I'm daft!
It's sad really, you should feel sorry for me! You'll miss me when I'm
gone!" All said in jest of course. But she's right you know. I really
will miss her and I offer an enormous hug to those of you who don't have
ya mum to celebrate mummys day with. Hopefully the mad old biddy has
got a good few years left in her yet as I'm pretty sure she's actually
the fittest member of my entire family! Always hiking about somewhere or
other, or running to the other side of town to go and see me nan.
Yes we may take the mickey of them and poke fun at them, but they do
mean the absolute world to us, and the world is a far far better place
to be with them around to watch out for us and to worry about us and to
be the one person we can always run to whenever we need to. Good day
all, and give ya mum an extra squeeze this mummys day.
Well hello to you! Yes I know it's early and I probably will be a nightmare until about lunchtime because of all the adrenalin when being up to early. Just thank someone you're not here with me! Really! I am SO annoying when it's early if you're not one of those who love a good early start. Oh and for those of you who regularly tune in, you'll be pleased to learn that that rampant frog orgy that was going on yesterday has dispersed from the office frontage.
Anyway as it's Mothers Day on Sunday, (If you had forgotten and have just been reminded, you're welcome) I would like to talk about mums. Now my mum, and I'm sure she's not alone, is shall we say not always at home to Mr Plot. Don't get me wrong I love my mum for so many reasons, one of which is of course as a source of comedic value. For example:
I think I first realised that mum perhaps wasn't firing on the same cylinders as the rest of us back in the early 80s. It was the evening before dad's 40th birthday and me and my sister where hanging about on the stairs not wanting to go up to go to bed. Dad meanwhile was examining all of his presents from various relatives. Picking them up, giving them a feel and boasting that he knew what they were. (No I shall not insert a Starwars "I have felt you presents" joke in here) Anyway, one of them was giving him trouble. It was from my mums brother. The conversation went like this: DAD: "Well I don't know what it is! It feels like a tiny suitcase!? I've got no idea!" MUM: (At this point you have to imagine me doing an exaggerated impression of mum, well we all do one when repeating anything mums say. FACT.) "Well I know what it is! (Then in a singy voice) I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know!. Now you two! (turning her attention to me and my sister) It's time for BED! CASSETTE CASE UP THEM STAIRS!!" At first we just ran up the stairs. then we stopped because we were a little confused with the instructions! Yes mum had blurted out what the present was for some random reason! Dad of course was in fits of giggles at this point as was mum! Who frankly couldn't believe what she had said herself!
There are of course many stories similar to this, including the time when mum was on the phone to her sister running in and out of the lounge, the kitchen, then upstairs and back down again, looking around desperately for something. When dad grabbed her attention while she was still on the phone and asked her in a whispered tone "What are you looking for?" She replied "The PHONE! I can't find the phone!". Sad but true!
Then of course there was the classic when mum and dad went to Brighton to do a bit of shopping and while they were having lunch at a restaurant dad noticed that the 'home phone' was in her handbag. When he asked "Why have you brought that with you?" She replied "Well in case we got seperated and I needed to phone you!" Forgetting of course that she actually already had a mobile phone for such things!
She always laughs about these things of course cos as she says (puts on mum voice) "I know I'm daft! It's sad really, you should feel sorry for me! You'll miss me when I'm gone!" All said in jest of course. But she's right you know. I really will miss her and I offer an enormous hug to those of you who don't have ya mum to celebrate mummys day with. Hopefully the mad old biddy has got a good few years left in her yet as I'm pretty sure she's actually the fittest member of my entire family! Always hiking about somewhere or other, or running to the other side of town to go and see me nan.
Yes we may take the mickey of them and poke fun at them, but they do mean the absolute world to us, and the world is a far far better place to be with them around to watch out for us and to worry about us and to be the one person we can always run to whenever we need to. Good day all, and give ya mum an extra squeeze this mummys day.
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