I should be subsnuggy!

Hello there, do come in if your feeling immune to lergy. Sorry about the mess, just sit where you like I have no special chair I have to sit on. Although having said that, it does feel a bit weird if I sit on the right side of the sofa for some reason, but apart from that, anywhere is fine for me. I did use to have a special chair that only I sat in, but I think that particular madness may of stopped now. Still I think if we're honest, we all have a place in the seating plan of the lounge where we all like to sit don't we?

Well I think I really should be updating my blog from beneath my snuggy while laying on the sofa really. I feel dreadful. Yes I realise it will probably been seen as Man-Flu by some. Which I think is getting a little unfair these days! You see us men feel we can no longer be allowed to say feel really rotten and horrible any more because it get's branded as Man-Flu and taken as a bit of a joke! A tad unfair I feel.

Still call it what you like I'm afraid I seem to of contracted it. Just feeling a bit sick, very weak and achey and a bit shakey. (No that doesn't mean I'm going to break into a chorus of "You Drive Me Crazy" and start wearing double denim. Although obviously I am a huge fan of the Welsh Elvis and if I wasn't SO ill I might well break into one of his songs). I know it all sounds slightly pathetic when you write it down, but to be fair I am feeling slightly pathetic too.

As i say, I should be writing this from the sofa all tucked up in my red snuggy, watching a bit of day time TV. But I'm not! I'm sat behind my desk at work trying to pretend I can cope with the mad day ahead of me! Trouble is it's one of those things I always feel guilty about, I know it's a bit mad. (Hello! Have you met me?) I guess I'm of the opinion that unless I'm actually throwing up or passed out I could actually still do my job. I have so much to do again today as well, that I didn't really feel I had much choice.

Sorry about being a Moaning Minnie, especially on a Blessed Friday as well. See I must be ill, I haven't once talked about frolicking or skipping or dancing like nobody is watching, or hugging random strangers or the promise of a warm spring just around the corner. You see it would of been a really good Friday posting if I wasn't so poorly. Definitely one of those days where I wish I was allowed to wear slippers into work, like I used to.

Still here's hoping you Friday is filled with all of those good things I've mentioned. Stay lovely, because that is indeed what you are!

Can I go back to Bed?

Oh dear, oh dear, sorry about this, but I had a rubbish nights sleep last night and so I'm feeling all unnecessary this morning. I am literally all dither. Not even having a great big sing song in the car on the way here helped the slightest. Mind you, the only song playing on my short journey that I managed to catch the whole of was Temptation by Heaven 17. Which I have to be honest is not that easy to sing all the elements yourself, ("Lead us not into Temp-ta-tion-AWWWWW") See! It just goes all over the place! In fact, I think I might of hurt my throat as well, trying to get the high bits. See feeling totally pathetic.

I just had one of those nights when you go through you're normal bedtime routine before our head hits the pillow, whatever it may be. We all have one, so don't deny it. Anyway, I did all that and then just failed massively at the sleeping part. I even had to do the thing where you go back downstairs to fix yourself a hot milky drink, because obviously that helps. I did drift off eventually but it was at least 2 and a half hours later than I would normally be asleep. So when the alarm went off this morning my brain was so confused it couldn't even remember how to turn the alarm off straight away. Still, the day carries on anyway, it waits for no man as they say. Although it would be nice in such circumstances it did pause for the amount of sleep time you missed so you could catch up with yourself wouldn't it.

So what happening today? Well we've got the left overs of The Budget to sit through if you go anywhere near a news programme today. They seem to want to talk about nothing else the day after the boredom of Budget Day. They'll have various people coming in all saying something completely different about how it's going to effect us all, just so we're even more confused than we were to start with.

Also we've got a new Arch Bish being enthroned today. Justin BeiberWelbyTimberlake I believe he's called or something like that. 'Enthroned' ay, sounds very impressive doesn't it, although it could also sound like your having a day spent on the loo, just like the Queen did earlier on this year.(Begging your pardon mam) Mind you a didn't see any white puffs of smoke to signify his appointment did you? Shame really, I do enjoy a good Conclave as you know. Perhaps we could of done something different. Like getting the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to belt out "Jerusalem" while the Red Arrows fly over St Pauls billowing plumes of red and white smoke, as he's the head of the Church of England. Ooo 'plumes' that's a lovely word isn't it! 'Plumes' Sorry said it too much now, it sounds weird. 'Plumes'. Sorry.

Right, well I really must face the day, as unready for it as I may be. Just soldier on, and shuffle about until the coffee kicks in I suppose. Still it is Friday Eve which is something to be celebrated. Really hoping your day has started more bright eyed and bushy tailed than mine has. See you tomorrow.

Budget Special

Oh hello there, sorry I'm a bit out of sorts this morning. I'm having one of those mornings where you don't quite feel that you've woken up properly yet. I had a very dream-filled sleep last night, (I won't bore you with the random details of it) but I'm sure that if you have a sleep with a lot of dreams in, you can actually feel quite exhausted by it all come the morning. Yes of course I suppose it really depends on what you dream out! (Naughty!) But still, I'm just feeling I could of done with an extra hour of sleep this morning. Of course, I blame the far too tempting home made cheese straws. I had one before bed time you see. Well it was just sitting there in it's little purple plastic box in the kitchen, tempting me with it's yumminess!

So yes probably my own fault, but I am allowed to still moan about it though aren't I? Well I'm here and up now, so may as well just slurp me coffee and crack on with things I suppose. Y-Y-Y-Y-YAAAWWWWWWWWWN. Sorry about that, so tired.

Just to add an even bigger 'yawn' factor today is the day Mr Osborne comes outside and shows everyone his tatty briefcase! (Never understood why they do that!). I mean it doesn't happen in any other part of politics or society does it? You don't see work men coming out of their little red and white striped tents, holding a shovel above their heads to show everyone before they start work. Mind you it's a jolly good thing gynecologists don't do it either! See now you've got an image! Sorry about that! (*sniggers*)

Yes I know it's very important and extremely serious stuff that goes on that effects us all in some way or another, but BY CRIKEY it's boring! I remember being younger and always dreading the budget day. It was like every time the budget happened all the good programmes I wanted to watch were suddenly on BBC2 and mum insisted on having the budget on. Plus it it nearly always done on a grey, wet and dull day. So going outside wasn't really an option. In fact the weather just added to the grey grim nature of the day. Even the weather was bored!

I'd much rather Mr Osborne came outside and showed everyone his Budgie! I mean that would be quite nice wouldn't it! Or maybe get the 'Mr Osborne' doing The Budget to be Ozzy! That would be brilliant!! Certainly make it a little more entertaining anyway. I mean we all know what's going to be happening anyway, the cost of beer and fags will go up, then they'll blow a little smoke on us by telling us they've done something nice for a people. Before it's actually revealed that most of us will be slightly worse off than we were before. Call me a crazy soothsayer if you will, but this is what is going to happen today.

Well here's hoping we all managed to get through this particularly sleepy dull day without experiencing too much sudden narcolepsy! Look after yourselves.

Sing up now!

Good day to you, I trust you survived Monday relatively unscathed? See! It was over before we knew it and now we've only got a four day week to cope with. That sounds much better doesn't it? Well here we are "To You Stay" or The Tuesday if you prefer. I thought that it might sound a lot nicer if I just referred to it as "To You Stay" which I think you'll find it does.

Sorry, I'm having trouble here, trying to type while scooping through my hearty bowl of Ready Brek. Not easy, I can tell you. In fact you really can't do both things at the same time. Just give me a minute will you? . . . . .There, that's better, all done. Nom nom nom. I do like a good hot bowl of porridge. There's something rather nostalgic and comforting about it. Plus of course you can pretend it's gruel and you just received you bowl after asking "Please Sir, can I have some more?" Which is good, because then you can launch into the song "Food, Glorious Food" "Hot sausage and mustard!, While we're in the mood – Cold jelly and custard!, Pease pudding and saveloys!". Sorry, couldn't resist. That's a good musical that, although I do prefer My Fair Lady myself. Hmmm perhaps I should of kept that kind of information to myself.

See I feel quite pumped up and eager to carry now I've had a good sing song. Hold on! Maybe that's the answer!? The way to beat a The Tuesday. Start the day by belting out a tune of your choice, but one that leaves you with a smile. So don't go choosing "All by Myself" or "Against All Odds" I think that would make the situation far far worse. Something that would get you up on the dance floor or a song that makes you smile.

You see, all those years we sat crossed legged in Assembly belting out such songs as 'All things Bright and Beautiful', 'If I had a Hammer' and the classic 'We mustn't forget'. They were just getting us to have a good old sing song so we were pumped up and ready for they day. I'm sure there is bound to be some science behind it.

So get yourself up have a nice big stretch! Take a deep breath in and stick on some music you can sing along to, I guarantee you will feel 10 times better going into the rest of the day than you would of done without it. Now go ahead and actually enjoy your "To you stay".

P.S. What song did you choose by the way? :)

Love from the heart of my bottom.

As the late, great Michael Jackson said whilst accompanied by his brothers "Can you feel it? . . Can you feel it? . . CAN YOU FEEL IT!?". Why yes thank you very much indeed, I can indeed feel it, and the feeling is that of yet another glorious FRIDAY which has gently landed itself on our very laps and is presently shifting it's position to make sure it's good and comfy. Going to stop there as I'm not sure I'm very sure about that metaphor now I've said it.

Anyway, moving on. Don't you just love a good Friday and indeed a Good Friday which will be winging along before we know it. Yes I know it's a bit grey, wet and murky out there, but it's still a Friday also it's a Comic Relief Friday as well, so there's bound to lot's of pleasant shenanigans occurring later as well. You may well even be taking part in some kind of sponsored shenanigans yourself for all I know.

Still today I would finally like to approach the taboo subject of 'farting'. (said in a mouthed whisper) Yes please forgive me if you are easily offended but I need to share my views, because as they say they are "better out than in!". Or least that's what most people say to babies when they do it. Or they even go one step further, (must resist singing "One Step Further by EuroVision 1982 British entry Bardo") and tell them how clever they are for doing it! That kind of appreciation doesn't last very long as you grow up, let me tell you.

Now I was always brought up to believe that ladies never did it, especially Mums! To this day I'm certain my Dad has never heard my mum do it! It always was and still is frowned upon by dear Mum. However as I've got older I have discovered that this really isn't true! We all do it! Farting, botty burps, trouser coughs, pumps, trumps or blow offs! Whatever you wish to call them, they happen to us all.

Now I know there are probably some amongst you who are embarrassed when they do. There are also some among your that quite obviously aren't! All in all I think it depends on whose company you're in. Unless you are one of those people who frankly have no shame at all. (You know who you are!) You see, there is the crux of the point I am going to make. I think it all comes down to trust and how free you feel when you are with that person.

You see, and some of you may not agree with me I know, I myself see them as the unwritten gauge of how much to love and trust someone and how free you feel to be able to be totally yourself with them. Because if you didn't know someone well enough you certainly wouldn't feel you could openly pass wind in front of them! Sometimes it can actually take months before you feel open enough to share that particular aspect of your life. Of course once you have, you do tend to make up for lost time afterwards maybe.

So next time your husband/wife/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend does it, see it as what it is. A compliment that they love and trust you enough to be able to do it in your presence. So if you are the one who is dropping the ill wind, you might even want to add, "You're welcome" to the end of it!

Oh and let's not forget, on today of all days they still are one of the funniest things ever known to man! The worse the smell the funnier they are in groups of men of course. FACT! Still, I'm glad I've got that out my system (as it very much were). I'm very glad I've now 'aired 'my views, so to speak! (snigger snigger). Hope I didn't put you of your breakfast! Do have you selves fun filled, laughter fueled, frivolous Friday. I'll see you all at the beginning of class on Monday.

Can I be Frank with you?

Good grief I can't actually believe it Friday Eve has snuck upon us once again! I know it's been said before, but as we get older time does definitely seem to be traveling a lot quicker than it used to. Not that we're old of course, I mean look at us! We're nought but Spring Chickens! Ahh I remember the day we had some Spring, last Tuesday I think it was. That's not this Tuesday just gone, it's the one before. (Yes, that's the phrase we all use, after referring to a day of the previous week). Sorry I'm babbling again, I'm like a constant babbling stream me, I have very little content, I'm very shallow, my conversations are constantly flowing, and normally heading downhill.

Well, we finally have a new The Pope as well, Pope Francis. I note that he doesn't have any of those la de dar numbers after his name either. Just plain old Pope Francis, which is nice. Although wouldn't it be good if there was a Pope Bob or a Pope Stan. I think I shall call the new The Pope, 'Pope Frank' he sounds even more friendly as Pope Frank. I'm going to miss not having the conclave going on though, all that watching chimney's for white smoke stuff. It means I can't make any more gags about how they should choose the new The Pope anymore! Very Sad.

Still he seems very nice and smiley, which of course is how all of us who aren't of Catholic persuasion judge the new Popes when they come along. He also seems to have a good sense of humor as well, very important that, I should imagine. Apparently when he found out he was going to be the next The Pope he went and had a sit down with the rest of the Cardinals and had a glass of wine (also only to be applauded) then he raised a glass and said to them "May God forgive you". At which point they all fell about laughing! (Obviously doesn't take much to tickle a Cardinal). Although I'm pretty sure there are probably rules about not tickling Cardinals in general.

Right well I must let you get on, I can see you're very busy and still have lots to do, although I really would concentrate on getting dressed first, what your wearing is just a little inappropriate for reading Facebook if you ask me! Have some decorum! See you all on The Blessed Friday!

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday!

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Everywhere you go,
Take a look at the car and then, scrape the snow off once again,
It's bleedin cold and we don't want the snow!

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Work is such a chore,
But the unholiest sight to see, is what's waiting for you and me,
Just outside our door.

So go zip up your boots, we're not going back to our roots,
It's just snowy and icy and then,
After the weather mans talk, do we decide just to walk,
Or risk taking the car, like real men,
And all the kids are calling for a snow day once again.

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Everywhere you go,
This day is going to be hell, there's mountains of work as well,
The stressful kind, that doesn't allow for snow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
May as well make a start,
Soon the phones will ring, and the clients will be moaning,
Oh please have a heart,

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Work is such a chore,
But the unholiest sight to see, is what's waiting for you and me,
Just outside our door.

Sure it's Monday, once more!

Mothers and the Lost Plot

ahem . . . (adopts newsreader voice and shuffles papers) . . ."Good morning." (Looks over top of imaginary glasses. The team here at CTTV would like to apologise for today's change to the previously scheduled programme. Yesterday we announced that today's topic of in depth discussion and focus would be on the subject of passing wind. However during the day the team met and thought as this Sunday marks Mothering Sunday it would be inappropriate to have such discussion, as obviously mothers do not do that kind of thing. So instead please enjoy today's more fitting programme "Mothers And The Lost Plot".

Well hello to you! Yes I know it's early and I probably will be a nightmare until about lunchtime because of all the adrenalin when being up to early. Just thank someone you're not here with me! Really! I am SO annoying when it's early if you're not one of those who love a good early start. Oh and for those of you who regularly tune in, you'll be pleased to learn that that rampant frog orgy that was going on yesterday has dispersed from the office frontage.

Anyway as it's Mothers Day on Sunday, (If you had forgotten and have just been reminded, you're welcome) I would like to talk about mums. Now my mum, and I'm sure she's not alone, is shall we say not always at home to Mr Plot. Don't get me wrong I love my mum for so many reasons, one of which is of course as a source of comedic value. For example:

I think I first realised that mum perhaps wasn't firing on the same cylinders as the rest of us back in the early 80s. It was the evening before dad's 40th birthday and me and my sister where hanging about on the stairs not wanting to go up to go to bed. Dad meanwhile was examining all of his presents from various relatives. Picking them up, giving them a feel and boasting that he knew what they were. (No I shall not insert a Starwars "I have felt you presents" joke in here) Anyway, one of them was giving him trouble. It was from my mums brother. The conversation went like this: DAD: "Well I don't know what it is! It feels like a tiny suitcase!? I've got no idea!" MUM: (At this point you have to imagine me doing an exaggerated impression of mum, well we all do one when repeating anything mums say. FACT.) "Well I know what it is! (Then in a singy voice) I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know!. Now you two! (turning her attention to me and my sister) It's time for BED! CASSETTE CASE UP THEM STAIRS!!" At first we just ran up the stairs. then we stopped because we were a little confused with the instructions! Yes mum had blurted out what the present was for some random reason! Dad of course was in fits of giggles at this point as was mum! Who frankly couldn't believe what she had said herself!

There are of course many stories similar to this, including the time when mum was on the phone to her sister running in and out of the lounge, the kitchen, then upstairs and back down again, looking around desperately for something. When dad grabbed her attention while she was still on the phone and asked her in a whispered tone "What are you looking for?" She replied "The PHONE! I can't find the phone!". Sad but true!

Then of course there was the classic when mum and dad went to Brighton to do a bit of shopping and while they were having lunch at a restaurant dad noticed that the 'home phone' was in her handbag. When he asked "Why have you brought that with you?" She replied "Well in case we got seperated and I needed to phone you!" Forgetting of course that she actually already had a mobile phone for such things!

She always laughs about these things of course cos as she says (puts on mum voice) "I know I'm daft! It's sad really, you should feel sorry for me! You'll miss me when I'm gone!" All said in jest of course. But she's right you know. I really will miss her and I offer an enormous hug to those of you who don't have ya mum to celebrate mummys day with. Hopefully the mad old biddy has got a good few years left in her yet as I'm pretty sure she's actually the fittest member of my entire family! Always hiking about somewhere or other, or running to the other side of town to go and see me nan.

Yes we may take the mickey of them and poke fun at them, but they do mean the absolute world to us, and the world is a far far better place to be with them around to watch out for us and to worry about us and to be the one person we can always run to whenever we need to. Good day all, and give ya mum an extra squeeze this mummys day.

Spring has Sprung!

MORNING! Has broken, like the first Mooorrning. Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. (Sorry, I dunno why I went into this!) Praise for the singing, praise for the mooorrning, (Well I can't stop now, can I!?) Praise for the Springing! (Really? Praise for the Springing? Oh! Ok!) Fresh from the word.

Sorry about that, it just seemed to sneak out after the initial "Morning". Although while I'm on the subject, I'm pretty sure the blackbird didn't actually speak now did it? and if it did, in what way was it like the first bird? Which was if you were wondering, as I know you sometimes do, Archaeopteryx who was kind of like a flying dinosaur with feathers! So Mr Blackbird I'll thank you not for screeching like a dinosaur at me. Thank you so very much indeed. Praise for the springing I'm quite happy to go along with actually. I mean who doesn't like a good bounce!? In fact I literally can't think of anything that is bouncy that I don't like!

There now I seem to of got side-tracked and digressed again after uttering only the one word 'Morning'. I think that may be some kind of record for me. Still I know it's 'The Tuesday' but I actually feeling kind of up beat and cool about it all today. Not sure why. I think it must be the whiff of Spring and the promise of sunshine in the air. Despite the fact that I encountered another multi-sneeze in the kitchen this morning (Only a fiver if you were wondering, but still enough to make you eyes water). Then while transporting my breakfast cereal and coffee from the work kitchen to my desk (YES it IS perfectly normal to eat breakfast at work, I thank you so very much madam). Anyway while I was carrying it my desk, I may walked into the office door frame and shared some of my breakfast and coffee with the office carpet. Despite all this I'm still actually feeling quite up beat and bouncy! Feels a bit weird on a Tuesday if I'm honest, but I going to go with it and hope it just hangs about all day!

Here's hoping you find your day unexpectedly bouncy too! Well the sunshine does make a difference doesn't! Makes you just want to frolic naked through fields of daffodils! (No? Just me again there then!) Sorry about that, I seem to of left you with an image now. (Sorry) Never mind, see you tomorrow!

Weekend news grumbles

Forsooth and verily I say good morntide, and most gracious of welcomings to thee, great companion. On this brisk, yet Springtide promising, dawn of a Monday morn. (Sorry, I can't keep the whole medieval chatter going. It's far too long winded) How are we all anyway? Good and pleasant weekends were had by all I trust? I am sorry of course if you didn't and it turned out to be a bit of a mare, but look on the bright side if it was, it's over now and you can concentrate on making the next one a humdinger! (Gorgeous word that!).

Of course, we all know who hasn't had a good weekend don't we! The poor Queen! Now I don't know about you, but it seems to me the entire news over the weekend and indeed still this morning has been "The Queen has got the squits, and she's 86 you know!" Now, I'm sorry, and please don't think of me as uncaring, because I do love the squidgy little Queen, even when she's wearing her Grumpy Cat face at public engagements. But do we really need to know Her Madge has got the bum grumbles? I'm pretty sure that the poor Queen must be feeling mortified that the news seems to be broadcasting the fact every hour on the hour and talking about it at some length!

Obviously I can't speak for all 86 year old ladies, (Frankly, it would be weird if I could and would require a lot of planning and organisation and almost impossible to achieve) Sorry, I digress (AGAIN!). I can't speak for all 86 year old ladies, but I'm pretty sure that very few of them would actually like the world to know they're suffering with the old bottom rockets. I know the Queen has a slightly different life to most 86 year old ladies, and if indeed this bug turned into something life threatening of course we should know, but all the time it's just virus thing, surely it's far less degrading to just not mention it. Like I said, if it did turn into something more sinister then by all means inform us of her well being and at that point you could even mention that it started out as a tummy bug, but the need to keep on, keeping on about the poor womans bum juice is just not very kind. LEAVE her alone! Let her get over it without broadcasting it to the nation! Oh and get well soon, your Royal Madgeness.

Sorry Monday morning moan is now dealt with! Phew! Deep breath in . . . hold it . . . and breathe out . . . and slump shoulders and relax. There, time for a slurp of coffee and start doing my Monday bustle I suppose! Toodle pips!