May I tickle your Thursday Funny?

G'mornin me lovelies, how are we all today? I've woken up in a funny mood this morning. So I best make the most it and spread some Thursday funny I reckon! (My apologies certainly go to Mr Tim Vine for frankly nabbing most of your material).

Honestly I must of slept like a log last night.
I woke up in the fireplace.

Do you know, I went to the dentist on Tuesday. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? Well the one I was in went backwards and forwards instead! I thought 'This is unusual'. Then dentist said to me 'Mr Tidy, can you get out of the filing cabinet now please'.

Seriously though, I’m that excited about finally having some time off come Friday, the other day I tried zipping myself into a small suitcase!
I could hardly contain myself.

Mind you, last year I went on one of those once-in-a-lifetime holidays.
I'll tell you what, never again.

While I was there I went for a dip in the sea and loads of meat floated past me!
Well it was a bit choppy.

I was coming home the other day and I met this guy who looked a bit like a gangster. Apparently he goes around pulling up the back of people's pants!
It was Wedgie Kray.

When I got home, I got a text from a friend who's apparently fallen in love with two school bags! He's bisatchel.

Mind you, that's nothing I once went out on a date with a Simile.
I don't know what I metaphor.

So I was at home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You were!'

I went to the train station the other day and I said to the bloke behind the counter: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "Aww thanks very much, I might look like James Corden, but I've never been on telly."

I cleaned the attic with the wife last weekend.
She still can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
After we cleaned it though, I rang up a local building firm, and I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

A jumplead walks into a bar.
The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint for me please, and one for the road."

I do go and see a therapist from time to time actually, he tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance . . . Well we'll just see about that!

I went to the doctors the other day and I said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite!

I bought a packet of peanuts, the other day and on the packet it said 'May contain nuts'. Well, YES I KNOW! That's what I bought them for! I would of been really annoyed if I had opened it and a small socket set fell out!

I went out to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I just couldn't find any!
So instead, I went to the corner shop – Managed to buy myself four corners!

Ain't no mountain high enough . . .

Oh yes, the dizzy heights of Wednesday now await us. The summit of Mount Wednesday is stretching up before us, seemingly scraping the clouds from the sky and gathering them around it's peak. Pausing now and taking a deep breath we turn looking down behind us. The foothills of Monday and the steady incline of Tuesday seem so distant and insignificant to us now. Even more so from this altitude, where they appear so small. Even if when we set out together to face the working week, it felt like our feet were made of lead and the thought of clambering skyward seemed an impossible task.

Yet, here we all are. The intrepid souls still all together and for the most part, in reasonable health. Though at this point the air is so thin we find it a struggle to even draw breath, we know that just one more arduous push this morning, should see us conquer Mount Wednesday's terrifying and rock spiked, spire like peak.

Still we take solace, knowing that on the other side of that twisted pinnacle lays the plateau of Wednesday lunchtime. Where we can rest, before boarding the large opulent cable car to travel in comfort to the warm and inviting weeks end thousands of feet below.

May you all have a great journey fellow travelers.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Y-Y-Y-Y-YAAAAAWWWWwwwwn mornin! Not sure if it's just me, but it feels very sleepy out there today. It was especially hard this morning trying to persuade my carcass to remove itself from my bed. I definitely had the lead legs and eyelids syndrome when I woke up. Still I suppose that's what happens if you go to a pub on a school night. Never sure that's a great idea to be honest, still it had to be done and the world has been put to rights now, so all is well.

Then on the way home, and once I got home, I did spend some time with my neck bent backwards and facing the sky watching all the shooting stars. I thought I was probably too late to see any, but I did see quite a few. They're like God's little fireworks, you can't help yourself but go "Oooo" when you see one, unless you're watching them with someone, when the conversation goes a little something like this:

"There's one!"
"Where?"
"Over there!"
"Where?"
"Well, it's gone now hasn't it!"
"Oh"

This conversation will then go round on a loop repeating itself, until one of the party will say "I'm bored now, and my neck hurts. Let's go in, it's cold"

Still, there is still something slightly magical about seeing them race across the starry night sky at around 26 miles per second, in case you were wondering fact fans.

Thankfully no 'Giant Boris' (what I call, unwanted mahoosive spiders) in the works kitchen sink this morning, I purposely left some water in it over night, which apparently stops them from getting trapped in there and scaring the crap out of unsuspecting people the following morning. (Yes I looked up how to stop them appearing in your sink)

Ooo would you look at that, it's Tuesday, which means thanks to my fastly approaching holiday, I now don't have to work another Monday until September! How marvelous! Right, well now my coffee has finally kicked in, I best get going and start doing something with it I suppose.

Friday Friday everywhere, so let's all have a drink.

Okay! Okay! I am prepared to admit it! Maybe, just maybe mind you, deciding to stick with the t-shirt and shorts option of things to wear this morning, might not of been the best choice. Yes, I know it definitely feels like autumn out there at the moment and it's horrible, and rainsome, (yes I did just make up a new word there 'rainsome' meaning full of rain) but I just can't let go of the hope of a little more Summer just yet. Besides, let's not forget it's also Friday, and who doesn't want to wear shorts and smile on a Friday!?

Yes, it's not really that warm out there, yes there are big grey clouds spread across the sky intent on delivering their payload. But you know what!? Later on the sun is gonna come out, and chase away the grey. Then before we know it, it'll feel much more like Summer again. You see I'd much rather regret wearing shorts and a t-shirt now, than I would regret not wearing them a little later when the weather is gorgeous again. Well it makes sense to me anyway.

It's been a funny old week for me, in fact it's been a funny old two weeks really, what with two work colleagues being away on holiday. Which doesn't sound very much, but with there on being five of us in the whole company, it has made the place feel rather empty. Still, I have managed to get everything done that has needed to be done, with my get my head down and attack it attitude. Aside from work I've even managed to finish chapter 4 of 'the book' as well, which I'm quite pleased about. If you're wondering I'm up to around 10,000 words now and only have around another 76 chapters to go!

But let's focus on the now! It's true! Friday has arrived! Finally the end of the slow paced, shoulder hunched trudge of the working week is in sight and the welcoming arms of Friday and the weekend await us. So no matter the weather, it's time to fling our cares and worries to the floor and pick up our smiles and put them firmly in place, because today we're gonna need them.

So the sun isn't shining at the moment, but in a way that's a good thing. As it means, by the time home time comes around in the nick of time, it will feel like time has flown by, (yes I purposely used that many 'times') it shall be shining down upon us and bathing us in it's warm golden light. Filling our hearts with unbridled joy and giving us even more reason to feel even more Friday than we already do.

Well do look after yourselves and have yourself a belter!

Sweet dreams are made of this.

So another Wednesday is beckoning us to it's midweek bosom so we may get comfy and nuzzle and prepare for the long awaited downward slide towards the weekend that is just on the other side of lunchtime.

Well how are we this morning? Another relatively speaking, quite chilly one again. Personally I'm just not very awake this morning. I had one of those nights where you sleep really heavily and actually feel slightly worse for it in the morning. I got up in the middle of the night for a call of nature, (As most people seem to do more and more as they get older. Haha 'Call of Nature' don't ya love that phrase. It sounds like it should be a popular console game for the over 40s!) Anyway, as I said, I had got up thinking it was about 5:00am and it turned out when i got back into bed, that I had only actually been asleep for about an hour and a half!

Then this morning when I woke up, it felt like a bag of lead and that I had been asleep for about three days! I guess it was because my night was so dream filled, thankfully I can't remember much about them, not that I would burden you lot with all the details if I could. (My dreams are generally not for the clinically sane or the easily offended)

Funny things dreams aren't they? It seems to me, they are generally used for letting your 'weird' run free. Plus what seems like hours and hours in a dream may only actually take mere seconds in real time. If only real life could be like that sometimes. Having all the good bits seemingly lasting forever whilst all the dull bits just fly by. It would be really nice wouldn't it? Ahh well a guy can dream I suppose.

Staying out for the Summer!

Good morning cherubs! How's your belly off for spots? I trust we all survived the Monday relatively unscathed? Even if you did get caught in the monsoon of Monday afternoon. (Ooo I'm a poet and I didn't know it!) If you find yourself just getting up and blearily checking Twitter in ya pajamas, (Strange place to keep ya Twitter) to see what's going on in the world. MORNING!! And aww don't you look cute with ya bed hair going on. Although I have to warn you, it may look gorgeous and lovely out there, but it is a little brisk and crisp this morning. Fear not though, I am still in shorted attire. I haven't given up on the Summer just yet. I'm even sporting a classic tie-dye t-shirt for the day, which is lovely.

It's true though, it is beginning to feel like the last days of Summer isn't it? It's like we've had all the really crazy hot days and now we're just clinging to any sunny days that turn up. More reason, if you needed one to make the most of them I reckon. Squeeze out the very last drop of Summer with the meer days of it we have left. For the record, I'm intending to keep on with the shorts and t-shirt for as long as I possibly can. There's something about the 'shorts and t-shirt' combo that just makes me feel more summery inside. Which I suppose is where it's most important, if you feel all summery on the inside, your more likely to act all summery on the outside. Which lets face it is better for everybody.

So I say this to you, on what is pretty much your box standard Tuesday. Cling onto that summer feeling. Whatever it is that makes you feel summery, just keep on doing it. Kick off your sandals and walk barefoot around the lawn. Go and find a lovely spot by a river to have a picnic. Or just lay in the garden and watch the clouds go by. Although do be careful about that kind of thing obviously, the last time I just watched the clouds I took a photo and I ended up being talked about all over the world on TV, the radio and in pretty much every national and international newspaper.

Still, take a deep breath in and grab a good lung full of Summer. Let's make the most of it while we still can.

Seeing is believing?

"Good morning class. Settle down please, settle down. . . *ahem* . . . I said SETTLE DOWN!* Yes, I'm sure you're all terribly excited after the weekend, and are all really pleased to see all your friends again, but would you please sit back in your chairs, settle down and face the front please . . . thank you . . . Right! Let's try that again shall we!? . . . Good morning class. *(chorus of Good morning Mr Tidy)*.

Good! Ok, so I hope you all had jolly good weekends and are all feeling fresh as daisies and eager to face another week together. We have a lot to get through this week, so let's crack on shall we? Price! What are you doing? . . . No! Janice doesn't want to see the frog you've got in you school bag, so please put it away and release it after registration. Oh and Morley! I am watching you, please stop drawing pictures on work book! Especially pictures like that! Yes, I can see what you're doing and frankly that kind of thing should be left until you have biology.

Right! are we all settled now? . . . Good! Is something funny Bostock!? Would you like to share it with the class? Oh and I do hope you brought enough sweets for everybody to have one!? Bring the bag here please. . . thank you. I shall be sharing these out at the end of registration.

Right, where was I? Ahh yes. Monday! I'm sure you've all had terribly exciting weekends and are all very pleased to be here. Today I would like to talk about the phrase, 'Seeing is believing'. It's a very common phrase and I'm sure we've all used it at one time or another, but is it actually correct?

Well, no it's not! Seeing is NOT believing. You see, if we can see something with our eyes, and touch it we have no real need to believe in it, because it's there, it exists and is a physical object that we can interact with. So really the the phrase would be better worded as 'Not seeing, is believing'. Surely believing is an opinion that something exists without having any physical evidence to back it up with. So with this in mind, this morning I would like you to write a short piece on examples where 'Not seeing, is believing'.

Although I do have one more question for everybody today. What on earth are we all doing here!? It's the summer holidays for crying out loud!! Class dismissed!

Friday and The Race Against the Elements.

Friday 2nd August 2013: 06:31am. The challenge was set. The gauntlet thrown down. This was a race against time, and a race against mother nature herself. He knew he only had a short amount of time before those sinister pitch black clouds on the horizon were going to be directly over his head. Feeling sure that he still had enough time, he leapt upon his bike and started the journey into work.

He turned the first corner heading for the main road and glanced up to the heavens. Even now as he looked the dark looming skies seemed to be getting nearer and were now covering more of the horizon. He considered turning back now, and taking the car before he went too far. He circled at the end of the road deciding what to do, before thinking to himself. 'No. I can still probably make this', so he set off with grim determination to his distant destination.

The journey was tiring and hard at this early hour but he battled onwards, keeping an eye of the skies above him at the constantly expanding and progressive ominous dark blanket covering the sky. Then he heard a distant rumble of thunder and was sure that all was lost and that at any moment the heavens would open and his fears would be realised.

Onward he pedaled, as hard as his aching legs would allow, more determined than ever that he was going to arrive at work not looking like a cat who had just fallen in a pond. Then, as he skidded to a halt outside the office front door and fumbled for his keys, there was a bright flash of lightning followed almost immediately by a deafening crack of thunder. Then the heavens opened. Huge fat rain and a lot of it, the kind of rain that soaks you to the skin in seconds. Although this wasn't bothering Carl, as he had made it into the office in the nick of time just as the thunder crashed, and was now smugly just watching the rain fall down from inside.

There probably should be a moral to this story. Probably involving the fact of not always giving up and taking the easy route, even when things seemed stacked against you. Because sometimes, just sometimes, things will go your way and the sense of achievement gained far outweighs the sense of failure should it not. Although, you can probably think of a better one than me.

Still, do have yourself a marvelous blessed Friday one and all.

Squeeze out every drop of sunshine

Well make the most of it, looks like today could be one of the last days of proper hot sunny summer. So, dress less and aim to impress! (Look at me going all Gok Wan!) Seriously though, look at it out there it's flippin gorgeous! Speaking for myself of course, despite all the greyness and rain we've been having recently, I have just flatly refused to give up wearing me shorts so far. For me, the summer is only really over when I begrudgingly have to put the shorts away.

So if you're able to, slap on some sun cream, or get a friend to do it for you and go and rot in the garden on a lounger and demand cold drinks with umbrellas and straws be brought to you at regular intervals. However, if like me you still have to go do that four letter 'work' word. Don't worry, you can still sneak outside as often as you think you can get away with, for a brief frolic in the sunshine. They don't have locks and bars keeping you inside. Just grab a piece of paper and walk purposely like it's very important straight out the front door. Just nip round the back of the building and fling your arms to the sky in adoration of the sunshine. Or just find a patch of grass and simply bask in it's gorgeousness for five minutes or so.

Whatever you do though, just don't waste it, because today may well be one of those days we look back on in a few months and say to ourselves. "I wish I made more of that sunshine while it was around.

Right, well must get on for a bit I suppose before I nip outside again for a sunshine skip around the car park.