Passing of a friend

I had some very sad news yesterday that my great mate Martin Collins had sadly passed away. So Martin, this one is for you.

Just sitting here and wondering
as the day is passing by.
I’m remembering the fun you gave,
and asking, why did you have to die?

You've always been there for others,
you really were a treasured friend,
I’m gutted that you’ve left us
So a hug from me I’ll send.

Sadly we’ll have to let you go,
with the minimum of fuss.
Even though you won't really be gone,
because you'll live inside of us.

Just know that we will miss you,
as you enter through heavens gate
you were one of the best I have to say,
a husband, a dad and my mate.


There's a bright brand new beautiful day out there, it may be cold, but we can wrap up warm and snuggle. So in a way being cold is a good thing. I mean who wouldn't want an excuse to snuggle!

I know we all take it for granted at times, but every day is pretty darn awesome in it's own way. There are times when we are feeling like every day we do the same thing day in day out, day after day. I think we start to think like that because we're brushing over the tiny details, not seeing the big stuff that seems to be small and just looking at it with apathy.

Every day something will happen or someone will say something that touches you and makes you think or just makes you smile. You may not even notice it at the time, but don't worry, it will just sneak into your memory a little later in the day in some idle moment and remind you.

Hold on to these little moments, because they are the things that we hold on to and that make every day the brand new gift that it is. Life is to short to hold grudges, and to try and bring someone down for no good reason. So be forgiving, be a shoulder to lean on, be the support you know you can be and as the song says spread a little happiness as you go by.
 

The Tweet is Mightier Than The Sword

My mother used to say to me “If you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t bother saying anything at all.” (Take note Craig Revel Horewood) I guess the world would be a nicer place it we all did that, but we don’t. All too often conversations start with “Oh you won’t believe what so and so said about me/you/someone else!” I suppose the trouble is in todays world with all the wonders of social media, the problems of people saying down right nasty things to other people has probably multiplied monumentally.

Hurtful words do cause low self esteem and damage our self confidence. Words are very powerful and can be devastating when they are used to hurt someone else on purpose. The words we speak or write down in a text or post on the internet, can have a huge affect not only on us, but on others as well.

It is important to realise the massive effect words can have. The trouble is you do get the crowd that say, “I was only joking!” or “No offence!” or “I didn’t MEAN it!”. The thing is whether we mean it or not, if things are said often enough they can change the very nature of the person they are aimed at and lower their self esteem and give that person a damaged view of themselves for a very long time to come.

People don’t realise the massive effect that hurtful words can have on others. Hurtful words can cause life long damage and is the cause for low self esteem in people, especially if it’s put on them as a child although just as easily as an adult.

The best way forward if ever it does happen to you, is to forgive the person who said/wrote it. Through what ever insecurities they have they thoughtlessly said something horrible to you, to try and make themselves feel better about themself. So just forgive them and move on with your life. Although if it really effected you, the quicker you begin to repair the damage to your self esteem the better.

Low self esteem is basically caused by the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. To overcome low self esteem, is a very long process but we must at least try to change these negative thoughts to positive ones. The first step in doing this is by changing the way we talk to ourselves. We must try to stop all of the negative self talk for a start, it is only doing more damage. So try replacing your negative self talk with positive self talk.

When you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself (such as – I'm so stupid or I'm so fat or I’m so ugly or useless), replace it with a positive stuff (such as – Ii I really look at it, I have a great life or Most of the time I’m fairly happy, there are loads of people who do love me). Sit down and figure out a few positives that would make you feel better and give your self esteem that little boost it needs. Eventually your subconscious mind will believe them to be true. Although it may take a little while to achieve.

The trouble with hurtful words apart from causing us to feel sad, can also result in resentment and anger. With these negative emotions ruling the roost, we are living in misery instead of enjoying life.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, your self esteem is all about what you think about yourself. So don't dwell on the negative thoughts, turn these around to positive ones. Try as hard as possible to be the most positive person you can be.

Be kind to everyone you meet and alway try to give someone, even if you’ve heard bad things about them from someone else the benefit of the doubt before you treat them in any other way. When we’re nice to someone we boost our own self esteem and theirs as well.

If someone is constantly negative about people try and avoid them! Attitudes are contagious – so try and be around people with good attitudes. That can also raise your self esteem too. Somebody a lot wiser than me once said, If we turn our face to the sun, all our shadows fall behind us.

Let’s face it, we could all do with a greater bit of self esteem it feels good to feel good!

At the end of the day I guess mum was right, it is always better to look at other people’s positives and trying to build someone up to feel good about themselves, rather than focusing on their negatives and trying to bring them down.

Stuck in a rut?

The trouble with Autumn is that whether we’re aware of it or not we all suffer a bit with the winter blues. Just the thought of spending the next few months knowing that the days are going to get darker, the weather is going to get colder. It just makes us all a bit more prone to looking at our life under a microscope and finding everything that feels wrong. We might start thinking like we’ve just got stuck in a rut, life is monotonous, dreary and uninspiring. Everyday, every week, the same routine, what the point! So how can we make ourselves stop feeling like this, and start making if feel exciting and new again? Well the first thing to do is to make a conscious decision to try and do something about it.

Give yourself some little personal challenges, they’re a very good way of motivating yourself to do something new. If you’ve got no realistic target it is easy to make a half hearted effort and then give up. However, when we have something very clear and perfectly achievable to aim for, it is much more likely we will actually do it. Little achievements go a long way!

We could spend 24 hours a day complaining about various things; but, would that give us any real lasting satisfaction? When we moan about stuff, all we’re doing is actually making our energy and focus negative. Complaining just makes life seem more dreary and unfair. So stop it!

Focus on the here and now. Stop spending time regretting the past, or worrying about the future! Everyone makes decisions they later regret, but, if you’re constantly thinking about it you will not be able to move forward and forget it. So don’t be preoccupied with the past or the future, try to enjoy the present moment.

Sometimes the things that life swings at us are known about before they happen, some of them are very much not, and knock us for 6! Along the way we find the little doors of opportunities in-between. People often say “Ahh when one door closes, another one opens” but sometimes it just doesn’t. Just because a door closes on you it doesn’t mean it’s down to some fault of yours like ignorance, arrogance, pride or incapacity, but usually because that particular door no longer goes anywhere for you.

Learn to do something new! Learning a new skill, what ever it is gives us the opportunity to find a new avenue for creativity. Being creative, however we do it gives us a sense of pride and achievement to! Also, if it’s something we’ve never done before we get a great feeling of self improvement too.

Do something for somebody else. Sounds simple doesn’t it! The trouble is when we live only for our own pleasure, there often feels like there’s something lacking. When we do something for other people, we bring out the best in ourselves. It makes us feel good about ourselves and the people we’re doing something for feel good too! It’s a win win situation!

Look at things from a slightly different perspective. When we think life has become boring, it is often a reflection of our inner attitude. If we have a tendency to be negative, then it is more likely that we become bored with life. So try and look at things from a different perspective; stop complaining about other people, if you wait for other people to behave as you want them to, you will always be waiting. Instead change the way you see them.

Don’t listen endlessly to your own thoughts, It’s our own thoughts that make us feel we are stuck in a rut, and that life is boring. So why do we have to listen to these thoughts? Learn to let go of these negative thoughts when they happen. If you instead start focusing on the positives we’ve got, it will make a big difference to our outlook.

Spend time with silly people, who make us laugh! Stop wasting all that energy feeling sorry for yourself. If you spend some time with enthusiastic and slightly daft people, (we all know a few!) some of this energy will rub off on you! Even if you don’t particularly feel up to it, meeting other people will take you out of yourself and help to re-energise you.

Even in the most boring experiences in the world there is always the opportunity for humour. So let not take life too seriously.  Without humour the world would have ended hundreds of years ago. We’re only here a relatively short time after all, we only get one good shot at it, so we may as well have a laugh along the way!

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender

I think we must of all felt like this at some point in our lives. Let’s say you’ve been invited to a party, and you only really know the person whose party it is. There are loads of people there and they all seem to be friendly and are all having a laugh and seem and know a lot more people than you do. No one seems to be interested in you, because they don’t really know you. They just don't seem to be seeing you at all. Your friend whose party it is, is busy with all the other people. Then you start to feel neglected and rejected. Sound familiar?

All of us, at times, have thoughts of “no one understands me.  Does anyone actually really care about me.  If I died would it really matter to anyone?  No one knows the real me . . . and even if they did, they probably wouldn't like me.”

So what do we do when we start thinking like that?  We decide the best course of action is to withdraw even further into ourselves, so we can get ourselves even more miserable, grumpy and depressed!

The trouble is, a lot of people, who are considered “the life of the party” are in fact socially bankrupt on the inside and as self-loathing and over-sensitive as you can get.

So what’s is the problem here?

Well for a start we think we have to perform for other people in order for them to actually like us. Rather than just liking us for who we are.

We’re told by the media in one way or another, that to survive in life, we can’t trust anyone. So  we build up walls, thinking, I will never be hurt again.  People are never what they seem, so I must protect myself.  Don’t trust them or you will get burned.  Don’t let anyone get inside.

We start thinking, people don't care about us so why should I care about them. We begin to think that people only want what is good for them. That my well-being is meaningless to everyone else.

People tell you they love you or that they are there for you, but it's all show.  People don't really actually care.

The trouble is someone who feels lonely in the crowd of people, must first raise his or her self esteem. Set yourself some goals and try to achieve them, no matter how little they seem.

Life is very important and we only get one shot at it. So try to live a life in such a way that you can feel proud of it. Try and be that good example that you wish you were. You ARE a good person and it’s important to know that. So does it really matter if others don’t understanding us? Try to understand their problems and help them, rather than asking for help hand-outs all of the time. As the saying goes, if you start giving, you will start receiving.

For a start, find out if anyone you know is also facing such a state. For this you will have to shift your attention from yourself to other people. Start actually listening to others. Ask them about their problems. You may find that there are few others out there who are also in the same boat.

So if you suddenly feel lonely in a crowd, remove yourself. Don't mentally beat yourself up over it. Simply come to terms with the fact that we’re all different and this particular crowd isn't for you. Don't set yourself up for more stress. Just walk away and look for a crowd that shares your point of view.

Sadly a lot of us are performers. The trouble is the more we carry on performing, the more prone we are to finding ourselves feeling lonely in a crowd. What this all boils down to of course is the underlying fact of a massive fear of being lonely.

Look around you, if you stopped performing or being the great pretender. Who do you think would actually lose interest in you? Sure there may be a few shallow friends that say “So and so’s really boring and miserable these days”. But I also gaurantee you there would be much more that wouldn’t. The people who genuinely care are there no matter who we are, or who we are pretending to be!

They see us for who we really are and still want to spend time with us. Sometimes these people are friends, sometimes they’re your family. Whoever they are, deep down I think we all know who those people are. These are the people that really matter, the people that love us no matter how we are feeling. So cling onto the thought of these amazing gems of people and you’ll never feel lonely in a crowd again.

Look after yourself, and each other.

Learning to Let Go

Well last week I was talking about forgiveness, a big part of which is learning to let go. I think we’re all guilty of hanging on to things that hurt us, even if sometimes we’re not even aware of what it is that we’re hanging onto. How many times have you thought about letting go of emotional baggage, thinking “when I get rid of this, things going to be different”? The sad fact is that most of the time we never get round to letting what ever it is go, so we never get to emotionally move away from it.

The reason letting go is so hard, is because what we have to let go of is not the person or the situation, but the part of ourself that comes from thinking about that person or situation.

The thing is, most of the time we’re not actually in control the person or sitution. The only thing we are in control of is ourselves and how we deal with the emotions that go along with those people or things.

Real letting go begins with a kind of unraveling, where we begin to recognize that what we need to let go of is the part of ourselves that believes without that person, or without that situation we will somehow lose a part of ourselves that makes us who we are.

That’s the trouble with the human mind our view of ourself is often given to us by the people we surround ourselves with and the situations we find ourselves in. The trick is to know what you really need to hold on to and what parts would be better if you let them go.

A lot of the time we feel at a loss, not because it’s something or someone has changed, but because we don’t know who we are without that person or situation we find ourselves attached to. So that person or situation was defining our sense of self and purpose.

So from there we have to begin to recognise the process and realize, that if we’re going to really learn to let go, it’s going to require us understanding that we have to give up the way we think of things if I want to actually give up the pain or the problem that we have.

Ok, so we understand in our minds that it is wrong to hold on to things that are hurting us, but how do we actually go about doing it?

Generally speaking it’s never a good plan to hold a grudge. I doesn’t matter what anybody said or did to you, going around hating people or letting previous encounters derive your future is never going to solve anything.

It is possible that day after day, if we think about it, we can see that thing we’ve been hanging onto is less and less important in the grand scheme of things. It’s a long process because generally the amount of importance we attach to something is the degree to which we’re punishing ourselves with it.

If you had a suitcase, and everywhere you went, you took your suitcase, and wherever you put the suitcase down, it unclipped itself and out popped a large mechanical hammer and hit you on the head, pretty soon you would want to get rid of that suitcase wouldn’t you! Emotional baggage is exactly the same!

That’s what we do! A part of us we carry with us, everywhere we go. In those idle moments we’re always thinking back on it, looking upon it, asking it, judging ourselves and others by it, and all the time, whatever we do, without exception, we get a smack round the head by the content of our own past.

All we need to do to let go of something, is to begin to realize that if we’re suffering by holding on to it. Squeezing it tighter and making the situation worse isn’t going to help.

Whatever it is, if you start thinking “I hope this happens” or “I want thing to turn out this way,”  we are subconsiously putting promises in our mind that if things work out the way they do in our heads everything will be fantastic!  What we can’t see in that moment is that the more we hold onto the idea of how things should be, the more we struggle with events as they might turn out.

Being aware of the things that we are hanging onto is the first step towards letting go of them, because if we are continually looking at situations and go over them again and again in our heads we’re not going forward at all. We’re just continually living over and over again in the past.

So start today by mentally shaking off the thing that is holding you back, put it into perspective and look forwards to a better tomorrow.

Look after yourself, and each other.

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget I say! The thing is it’s fairly easy to say it – although meaning it is quite a different thing. A lot of people can just about manage the forgiving part but struggle with the forgetting! The trouble is, to forgive someone properly you have to let go of whatever the wrong was and not hold onto it. Just saying the words is only a small part of the solution, you have to actually mean it. Everyone can relate to carrying a grudge that's gone on for far too long. This is how we are built. As long as there are relationships of any kind, there will be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, even though sometimes it gets mixed up with its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, isn’t quite the same thing. For a lot of people, being able to forgive someone properly actually allows us to truly move on and get over the pain that we were feeling. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain for those involved.

Forgiveness has a place for everyone, regardless of your age or level of hurt. Everyone probably has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive. So how can we take a  step forward, even when deeply hurt, to take charge of our lives so it is possible to forgive?

One way to look at it is the past is the present, and it's the future too, because past wounds, from any source, can infect our present and the way we carry on in the future. If you were hurt by someone, you may carry a grudge, even if you not overly aware that you are or be so hurt that you are psychologically ready to be hurt again and again.

Someone says something that they consider not very important, but you can't help but interpret it as another dig at you! You are the walking wounded and the past becomes your present. Yes, you are hurt, but that wound carries on hurting you all the time it is left open. If that person is aware that they have hurt your feelings and says sorry, it makes it easier to let go of the hurt. It's easier to let go because that person has done half of the healing work. But, what if that person doesn't even know that they have hurt you? It may be in your interest to find a way to forgive them anyway – and let it go.

Sometimes it’s best to actually go up to that person and let them know that they have hurt you (at least from your point of view). You may well get some understanding from this or over defensiveness – or something in the middle. But you still will need to find a way to let it go and move on. Doing something is better than doing nothing and letting the situation fester.

So what if you discover that a person is purposely trying to hurt you, and won't stop? At this point you may need to forgive yourself for letting that person get under your skin so badly. There are tried and tested ways to handle a bully, but it is difficult to be effective if you are so hurt yourself.

We are all wounded by people and words in some way. You will be surprised to hear of all the wounds that normal people carry with them every day from the past. Many of these wounds can actually determine how people feel about themselves for their entire lifetime. 

So, how do you break free? There is no easy process but, who wants to be held down by the past? Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance.  Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don't come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. Carrying old wounds is simply a burden that steals the pleasure from the life that we have now. Let’s face it, we are not on this earth forever, and sitting being a victim all your life it not anyone’s idea of fun.

Knowing that you have a hurt that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and resentment. I often think that the word ‘FAIR’ is a four letter word, too many people can't get over just how unfair life is. Such pain, what’s the point!? Life is unfair at times, but it is also filled with love and happiness too.

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself. It allows the wounds to heal. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself for holding on to resentment for so long. Sometimes we have to take the moral high ground for ourselves. Even if this means forgiving someone who doesn’t even think they need forgiving.

When you accept what has happened, vow to try to not let it happen again, forgiveness is possible. There comes a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and say it’s times to let go of all this hurt and anger that i’m feeling. Even if it means we sometimes have to say sorry ourselves to the person who we feel has caused us the hurt! Surely it’s better to do this and get the boulder of forgiveness rolling, rather than just letting it crush us, because we aren’t prepared to budge our opinion on who was right and who was wrong in any given situation. It will make you feel free so you can better enjoy this life and move forward in a better state of mind.

After Party Blues

I always think this time of year is particularly hard, the feeling that summer is over and now there’s nothing to look forward to. The feeling that all you’ve got to expect is colder more grotty weather and days that are getting shorter and darker. The only thing on the horizon is Christmas, and that’s still months away! Mind you, some people actually list that on their things to dread.

It’s especially more pronounced this year I think because we’ve have such a amazing and exciting summer. What with the Jubilee, the Olympics and even Andy Murry winning a Grand Slam, if tennis floats your boat. Now that is all over there’s a real danger of the country falling into a post party gloom. As a nation it’s almost like we’ve all had an amazing holiday feeling all summer long and now it’s over, we’re back to reality and there’s nothing to look forward to but a feeling of cold grey skies with the outlook of drizzle.

It’s all to easy to start feeling that life has lost it’s sparkle and start spiralling into that dark whirlpool of hopelessness and once you’re there, take it from me, it’s so hard to get back out again.

The key here is to find your balancing point, the middle of your see-saw, the crest of your wave if you like and try to stay on it for as long as you can. Don’t try and compare every day to the memories of what has been, or indeed try and predict what you think life has in store for you in the future. Just learn to be happy where you are right now.

Don’t get me wrong, great memories of sunshine and celebration are fantastic things to look back on, but comparing that feeling to the everyday and wishing that life was like that all the time is a dangerous game to play.

As for the future, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been around enough to know that life is very rarely how we predict in our mind that it’s going to be.

Life has a tendancy to throw a curve ball at us and pull the rug from beneath us, when we are least expecting it. I’m not saying all these curve balls and pulled rugs are all bad, sometimes amazing things or people come our way that we aren’t expecting either. The fact is we don’t know what the future has got in store for us, so there’s really no point painting yourself a gloomy picture of what you think might be.

Just stay focused on one day at a time and be thankful for all the things you do have right now. The little things that we take for granted that really make a difference in our lives. If it helps make a list of the things that you know make you smile. Things that have given you that spark of excitement and made you happy and make plans to do more of them!

Remember, life isn’t always a party but that doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic anyway. There is still so many things in the every day that lift our hearts and keep us on the top of our waves. Achieving a goal, or finishing a project that your proud of can always give us that little lift we are looking for. Family and friends, and even pets constantly do things that put a smile on our faces. Look around you, believe me, there are so many people that actually think you’re amazing even if you don’t know that they do. So hang on to those facts the next time you’re feeling low and start thinking is this all there is, because actually what you’ve got is pretty damn awesome.