It's beginning to look a lot like Monday!

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Everywhere you go,
Take a look at the car and then, scrape the snow off once again,
It's bleedin cold and we don't want the snow!

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Work is such a chore,
But the unholiest sight to see, is what's waiting for you and me,
Just outside our door.

So go zip up your boots, we're not going back to our roots,
It's just snowy and icy and then,
After the weather mans talk, do we decide just to walk,
Or risk taking the car, like real men,
And all the kids are calling for a snow day once again.

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Everywhere you go,
This day is going to be hell, there's mountains of work as well,
The stressful kind, that doesn't allow for snow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
May as well make a start,
Soon the phones will ring, and the clients will be moaning,
Oh please have a heart,

It's beginning to look a lot like Monday,
Work is such a chore,
But the unholiest sight to see, is what's waiting for you and me,
Just outside our door.

Sure it's Monday, once more!

Mothers and the Lost Plot

ahem . . . (adopts newsreader voice and shuffles papers) . . ."Good morning." (Looks over top of imaginary glasses. The team here at CTTV would like to apologise for today's change to the previously scheduled programme. Yesterday we announced that today's topic of in depth discussion and focus would be on the subject of passing wind. However during the day the team met and thought as this Sunday marks Mothering Sunday it would be inappropriate to have such discussion, as obviously mothers do not do that kind of thing. So instead please enjoy today's more fitting programme "Mothers And The Lost Plot".

Well hello to you! Yes I know it's early and I probably will be a nightmare until about lunchtime because of all the adrenalin when being up to early. Just thank someone you're not here with me! Really! I am SO annoying when it's early if you're not one of those who love a good early start. Oh and for those of you who regularly tune in, you'll be pleased to learn that that rampant frog orgy that was going on yesterday has dispersed from the office frontage.

Anyway as it's Mothers Day on Sunday, (If you had forgotten and have just been reminded, you're welcome) I would like to talk about mums. Now my mum, and I'm sure she's not alone, is shall we say not always at home to Mr Plot. Don't get me wrong I love my mum for so many reasons, one of which is of course as a source of comedic value. For example:

I think I first realised that mum perhaps wasn't firing on the same cylinders as the rest of us back in the early 80s. It was the evening before dad's 40th birthday and me and my sister where hanging about on the stairs not wanting to go up to go to bed. Dad meanwhile was examining all of his presents from various relatives. Picking them up, giving them a feel and boasting that he knew what they were. (No I shall not insert a Starwars "I have felt you presents" joke in here) Anyway, one of them was giving him trouble. It was from my mums brother. The conversation went like this: DAD: "Well I don't know what it is! It feels like a tiny suitcase!? I've got no idea!" MUM: (At this point you have to imagine me doing an exaggerated impression of mum, well we all do one when repeating anything mums say. FACT.) "Well I know what it is! (Then in a singy voice) I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know!. Now you two! (turning her attention to me and my sister) It's time for BED! CASSETTE CASE UP THEM STAIRS!!" At first we just ran up the stairs. then we stopped because we were a little confused with the instructions! Yes mum had blurted out what the present was for some random reason! Dad of course was in fits of giggles at this point as was mum! Who frankly couldn't believe what she had said herself!

There are of course many stories similar to this, including the time when mum was on the phone to her sister running in and out of the lounge, the kitchen, then upstairs and back down again, looking around desperately for something. When dad grabbed her attention while she was still on the phone and asked her in a whispered tone "What are you looking for?" She replied "The PHONE! I can't find the phone!". Sad but true!

Then of course there was the classic when mum and dad went to Brighton to do a bit of shopping and while they were having lunch at a restaurant dad noticed that the 'home phone' was in her handbag. When he asked "Why have you brought that with you?" She replied "Well in case we got seperated and I needed to phone you!" Forgetting of course that she actually already had a mobile phone for such things!

She always laughs about these things of course cos as she says (puts on mum voice) "I know I'm daft! It's sad really, you should feel sorry for me! You'll miss me when I'm gone!" All said in jest of course. But she's right you know. I really will miss her and I offer an enormous hug to those of you who don't have ya mum to celebrate mummys day with. Hopefully the mad old biddy has got a good few years left in her yet as I'm pretty sure she's actually the fittest member of my entire family! Always hiking about somewhere or other, or running to the other side of town to go and see me nan.

Yes we may take the mickey of them and poke fun at them, but they do mean the absolute world to us, and the world is a far far better place to be with them around to watch out for us and to worry about us and to be the one person we can always run to whenever we need to. Good day all, and give ya mum an extra squeeze this mummys day.

Spring has Sprung!

MORNING! Has broken, like the first Mooorrning. Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. (Sorry, I dunno why I went into this!) Praise for the singing, praise for the mooorrning, (Well I can't stop now, can I!?) Praise for the Springing! (Really? Praise for the Springing? Oh! Ok!) Fresh from the word.

Sorry about that, it just seemed to sneak out after the initial "Morning". Although while I'm on the subject, I'm pretty sure the blackbird didn't actually speak now did it? and if it did, in what way was it like the first bird? Which was if you were wondering, as I know you sometimes do, Archaeopteryx who was kind of like a flying dinosaur with feathers! So Mr Blackbird I'll thank you not for screeching like a dinosaur at me. Thank you so very much indeed. Praise for the springing I'm quite happy to go along with actually. I mean who doesn't like a good bounce!? In fact I literally can't think of anything that is bouncy that I don't like!

There now I seem to of got side-tracked and digressed again after uttering only the one word 'Morning'. I think that may be some kind of record for me. Still I know it's 'The Tuesday' but I actually feeling kind of up beat and cool about it all today. Not sure why. I think it must be the whiff of Spring and the promise of sunshine in the air. Despite the fact that I encountered another multi-sneeze in the kitchen this morning (Only a fiver if you were wondering, but still enough to make you eyes water). Then while transporting my breakfast cereal and coffee from the work kitchen to my desk (YES it IS perfectly normal to eat breakfast at work, I thank you so very much madam). Anyway while I was carrying it my desk, I may walked into the office door frame and shared some of my breakfast and coffee with the office carpet. Despite all this I'm still actually feeling quite up beat and bouncy! Feels a bit weird on a Tuesday if I'm honest, but I going to go with it and hope it just hangs about all day!

Here's hoping you find your day unexpectedly bouncy too! Well the sunshine does make a difference doesn't! Makes you just want to frolic naked through fields of daffodils! (No? Just me again there then!) Sorry about that, I seem to of left you with an image now. (Sorry) Never mind, see you tomorrow!

Weekend news grumbles

Forsooth and verily I say good morntide, and most gracious of welcomings to thee, great companion. On this brisk, yet Springtide promising, dawn of a Monday morn. (Sorry, I can't keep the whole medieval chatter going. It's far too long winded) How are we all anyway? Good and pleasant weekends were had by all I trust? I am sorry of course if you didn't and it turned out to be a bit of a mare, but look on the bright side if it was, it's over now and you can concentrate on making the next one a humdinger! (Gorgeous word that!).

Of course, we all know who hasn't had a good weekend don't we! The poor Queen! Now I don't know about you, but it seems to me the entire news over the weekend and indeed still this morning has been "The Queen has got the squits, and she's 86 you know!" Now, I'm sorry, and please don't think of me as uncaring, because I do love the squidgy little Queen, even when she's wearing her Grumpy Cat face at public engagements. But do we really need to know Her Madge has got the bum grumbles? I'm pretty sure that the poor Queen must be feeling mortified that the news seems to be broadcasting the fact every hour on the hour and talking about it at some length!

Obviously I can't speak for all 86 year old ladies, (Frankly, it would be weird if I could and would require a lot of planning and organisation and almost impossible to achieve) Sorry, I digress (AGAIN!). I can't speak for all 86 year old ladies, but I'm pretty sure that very few of them would actually like the world to know they're suffering with the old bottom rockets. I know the Queen has a slightly different life to most 86 year old ladies, and if indeed this bug turned into something life threatening of course we should know, but all the time it's just virus thing, surely it's far less degrading to just not mention it. Like I said, if it did turn into something more sinister then by all means inform us of her well being and at that point you could even mention that it started out as a tummy bug, but the need to keep on, keeping on about the poor womans bum juice is just not very kind. LEAVE her alone! Let her get over it without broadcasting it to the nation! Oh and get well soon, your Royal Madgeness.

Sorry Monday morning moan is now dealt with! Phew! Deep breath in . . . hold it . . . and breathe out . . . and slump shoulders and relax. There, time for a slurp of coffee and start doing my Monday bustle I suppose! Toodle pips!

Just another Friday Early Start

Well glory be and ping your pants across the bedroom like an elastic band, prepare yourselves lovelies it's only gone and turned into Wonderous Friday overnight. I must admit at this point I may be a little overly excited at this point, because I got into work at 6 today, and I just running on nervous energy which always makes me a little hyperactive. Which to be honest is ideal in you happen to be in a very large, people free double factory unit! You can skip around the place, sneeze as loud as you like, (nothing finer than a sneeze when you can just shout it out) turn radio 2 up very loud and sing along to the music, using a pen as a microphone while waiting for the kettle to boil. You can have a little dance while checking proofs against prints and use two pens as drumsticks when Phil Collins comes on the radio with "In the Air Tonight"! You really can't help air drumming to that one can you.

Sorry, I do apologise, I may of gotten a little too exuberant there for this hour. I shall have a sip of coffee and try to calm down a bit. Ooo 'exuberant' that's a good word isn't it? Sounds almost like a fruit based pudding. Hmmm. Yes waiter, the small pot of strawberry exuberant sounds simply delightful. I shall have two of those please.

Sorry, distracted again! Calm yourself, steady your horses and keep your powder dry Mr Tidy, you have a long day ahead of you. Breathe in . . . and out . . . Ahh, that's better. I do actually have a small work mountain to climb today, all very stressful must be out the door by the end of the day kind of stuff, such is the crazy world of graphic design with it's almost laughable deadlines. "You want it when!!?" Still, I'm sure I'm not the only one, with silly deadlines and stressfilled fridays. Though, if we can still keep a smile on our faces while under the stress anvil, we must be doing something right I reckon.

So no matter what your Friday flings at you, because have no doubt it will fling something. I hope that you will manage to stay on top of it with a smile on your face because it is the Wonderous Friday. I also really hope that you get the chance to act as though no one else is at work with you at least once today, because left to our own devices it's good to sprinkle a bit of silly over the day. SUCH FUN! (That was for cousin Brett) See you all on the flip side of the weekend, you bunch of simply awesome people. X x X

"Trifle"

Meal’s at the end,
Hold your belch and count to ten,
Too full to move and then,
Hear my heart strain again.

For this is the end.
I've drained my glass, so payment,
So overdue I owe them.
Dessert’s here, I'm stolen

Let’s have trifle,
Apple crumble,
Maybe fruit fool,
Have it all together

Let’s have trifle,
Apple crumble,
Maybe fruit fool,
Have it all together
with trifle
Love trifle

Trifle is where we start
Hundred’s ‘n’ thousands it looks so smart
There’s white chocolate and some dark
You may have my starter, you can take my main
But you'll never have my pud

Let’s have trifle (Let’s have trifle)
Apple crumble (Apple crumble)
Maybe fruit fool (maybe fruit fool)
Have it all together

Let’s have trifle (Let’s have trifle)
Apple crumble (Apple crumble)
Maybe fruit fool (maybe fruit fool)
Have it all together
with Trifle

Let’s have trifle,
Apple crumble,
Maybe fruit fool

Where trifle goes I go
What you eat I eat
I know I'd never be me
Without pudding you see
Your sponge fingers
and strawberry jelly
Put my spoon in my hand
Eat from the stand

Let’s have trifle (Let’s have trifle)
Apple crumble (Apple crumble)
Maybe fruit fool (maybe fruit fool)
Have it all together

Let’s have trifle (Let’s have trifle)
Apple crumble (Apple crumble)
Maybe fruit fool (maybe fruit fool)
Have it all together
With trifle

Let’s have trifle
We will be full
with trifle

Involuntary Exhaustion

PHEW!! A very weary good morning to you dear status reader. I haven't forgotten it's Friday or 'The Blessed Friday' as I now like to call it, but I honestly at this moment in time I am feeling totally exhausted and my Blessed Friday has only just begun. (. . . to live, White lace and promises, A kiss for luck and we're on our way) Sorry! I just slipped into the Carpenters there, easilly done! (No, don’t say that! Tuh! RUDE!). I feel like I have just spent an hour at the gym doing a full repeated circuit work out. Obviously I haven't, that would be stupid! No, I'm afraid it's all down to my body rebelling at me first thing in the morning! Now you mustn't laugh at this as it's traumatic. (Now you see, with me just saying that you're smiling already! That is a pre-smirk smile! RUDE!) Anyway, let me explain.

The day started ok, I came down stairs, avoiding falling over cats, who insist in waiting outside the bedroom door just for the purpose of trying to trip me up on the dark landing or strairs I'm sure! I then went into the kitchen and grabbed my morning glass of OJ. That's when the trouble started.

I don't know if I drank it too quickly or what caused it, but hiccups happened, great big ones as well, you know the sort! The ones that actually almost feel like they are lifting you from the floor, whist making you make a ridiculous noise. They then carried on happening as I was trying to put my boots on to leave. (Not an easy task to perform with boisterous hiccups I'll have you know!) I managed to put on my coat and clamber into the car and drive to work, all the while accompanied by enormous hiccups! Still! They had been going on for so long now that they were actually tiring and you sort of have to do a little sigh after each one. Honestly to any driver behind me it must of looked like the road ahead was covered with pot holes that I was going over and he was somehow magically avoiding.

Anyway I finally arrived at work after bouncing hiccup style all the way and got out the car. Now at this point I must point out, (too many 'points' there, sorry about that) that we have an alarm system at work that goes off when you open the door and doesn't stop until you swish it with an electronic key. Always stressful as you know you only have two minutes before it automatically calls the police. Anyway I opened the door and attempted to step through it, but because of all the exhausting hiccups I stumbled on the door step, causing me to gasp, which then induced a bout of morning coughing! Never pleasant. Which was ended by me violently multi-sneezing! There must of been at least six or seven in a row, which as we know are totally exhausting when they happen all at once! Then the pressure of all that at the same time caused me to trump so loudly that I sounded like a ship arriving into harbour on a foggy morning!! All the while the alarm was screeching in my ear with me unable to do anything about, being paralysed by bodily funtions! Finally I managed to stumble to the alarm panel tripped on the door mat and waved my electronic key at the reader from the floor at arms reach.

Still on the plus side, after I picked myself up off the floor I discovered that all that did put a stop to the hiccups. Although I do feel utterly spent and a little bit traumatised by the whole episode. I wouldn't mind but I must also point out that this isn't the first time that something similar has happened to me either! I'm supposed to be going out for a night on the tiles of Burgess Hill tonight as well! Do feel free to join me should you find yourself in this neck of the woods by the way. (Nope! I've never understood that saying either! Where is a wood's neck exactly?) Still, here's hoping that I manage to recoup some energy for tonight, and that my day gets hugely better to make up for this mornings shenanigans. Here's also hoping that you day gets off to a much better start than mine too, and long may it continue on this Blessed Friday.