Learning to Let Go

Well last week I was talking about forgiveness, a big part of which is learning to let go. I think we’re all guilty of hanging on to things that hurt us, even if sometimes we’re not even aware of what it is that we’re hanging onto. How many times have you thought about letting go of emotional baggage, thinking “when I get rid of this, things going to be different”? The sad fact is that most of the time we never get round to letting what ever it is go, so we never get to emotionally move away from it.

The reason letting go is so hard, is because what we have to let go of is not the person or the situation, but the part of ourself that comes from thinking about that person or situation.

The thing is, most of the time we’re not actually in control the person or sitution. The only thing we are in control of is ourselves and how we deal with the emotions that go along with those people or things.

Real letting go begins with a kind of unraveling, where we begin to recognize that what we need to let go of is the part of ourselves that believes without that person, or without that situation we will somehow lose a part of ourselves that makes us who we are.

That’s the trouble with the human mind our view of ourself is often given to us by the people we surround ourselves with and the situations we find ourselves in. The trick is to know what you really need to hold on to and what parts would be better if you let them go.

A lot of the time we feel at a loss, not because it’s something or someone has changed, but because we don’t know who we are without that person or situation we find ourselves attached to. So that person or situation was defining our sense of self and purpose.

So from there we have to begin to recognise the process and realize, that if we’re going to really learn to let go, it’s going to require us understanding that we have to give up the way we think of things if I want to actually give up the pain or the problem that we have.

Ok, so we understand in our minds that it is wrong to hold on to things that are hurting us, but how do we actually go about doing it?

Generally speaking it’s never a good plan to hold a grudge. I doesn’t matter what anybody said or did to you, going around hating people or letting previous encounters derive your future is never going to solve anything.

It is possible that day after day, if we think about it, we can see that thing we’ve been hanging onto is less and less important in the grand scheme of things. It’s a long process because generally the amount of importance we attach to something is the degree to which we’re punishing ourselves with it.

If you had a suitcase, and everywhere you went, you took your suitcase, and wherever you put the suitcase down, it unclipped itself and out popped a large mechanical hammer and hit you on the head, pretty soon you would want to get rid of that suitcase wouldn’t you! Emotional baggage is exactly the same!

That’s what we do! A part of us we carry with us, everywhere we go. In those idle moments we’re always thinking back on it, looking upon it, asking it, judging ourselves and others by it, and all the time, whatever we do, without exception, we get a smack round the head by the content of our own past.

All we need to do to let go of something, is to begin to realize that if we’re suffering by holding on to it. Squeezing it tighter and making the situation worse isn’t going to help.

Whatever it is, if you start thinking “I hope this happens” or “I want thing to turn out this way,”  we are subconsiously putting promises in our mind that if things work out the way they do in our heads everything will be fantastic!  What we can’t see in that moment is that the more we hold onto the idea of how things should be, the more we struggle with events as they might turn out.

Being aware of the things that we are hanging onto is the first step towards letting go of them, because if we are continually looking at situations and go over them again and again in our heads we’re not going forward at all. We’re just continually living over and over again in the past.

So start today by mentally shaking off the thing that is holding you back, put it into perspective and look forwards to a better tomorrow.

Look after yourself, and each other.

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget I say! The thing is it’s fairly easy to say it – although meaning it is quite a different thing. A lot of people can just about manage the forgiving part but struggle with the forgetting! The trouble is, to forgive someone properly you have to let go of whatever the wrong was and not hold onto it. Just saying the words is only a small part of the solution, you have to actually mean it. Everyone can relate to carrying a grudge that's gone on for far too long. This is how we are built. As long as there are relationships of any kind, there will be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, even though sometimes it gets mixed up with its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, isn’t quite the same thing. For a lot of people, being able to forgive someone properly actually allows us to truly move on and get over the pain that we were feeling. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain for those involved.

Forgiveness has a place for everyone, regardless of your age or level of hurt. Everyone probably has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive. So how can we take a  step forward, even when deeply hurt, to take charge of our lives so it is possible to forgive?

One way to look at it is the past is the present, and it's the future too, because past wounds, from any source, can infect our present and the way we carry on in the future. If you were hurt by someone, you may carry a grudge, even if you not overly aware that you are or be so hurt that you are psychologically ready to be hurt again and again.

Someone says something that they consider not very important, but you can't help but interpret it as another dig at you! You are the walking wounded and the past becomes your present. Yes, you are hurt, but that wound carries on hurting you all the time it is left open. If that person is aware that they have hurt your feelings and says sorry, it makes it easier to let go of the hurt. It's easier to let go because that person has done half of the healing work. But, what if that person doesn't even know that they have hurt you? It may be in your interest to find a way to forgive them anyway – and let it go.

Sometimes it’s best to actually go up to that person and let them know that they have hurt you (at least from your point of view). You may well get some understanding from this or over defensiveness – or something in the middle. But you still will need to find a way to let it go and move on. Doing something is better than doing nothing and letting the situation fester.

So what if you discover that a person is purposely trying to hurt you, and won't stop? At this point you may need to forgive yourself for letting that person get under your skin so badly. There are tried and tested ways to handle a bully, but it is difficult to be effective if you are so hurt yourself.

We are all wounded by people and words in some way. You will be surprised to hear of all the wounds that normal people carry with them every day from the past. Many of these wounds can actually determine how people feel about themselves for their entire lifetime. 

So, how do you break free? There is no easy process but, who wants to be held down by the past? Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance.  Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don't come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. Carrying old wounds is simply a burden that steals the pleasure from the life that we have now. Let’s face it, we are not on this earth forever, and sitting being a victim all your life it not anyone’s idea of fun.

Knowing that you have a hurt that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and resentment. I often think that the word ‘FAIR’ is a four letter word, too many people can't get over just how unfair life is. Such pain, what’s the point!? Life is unfair at times, but it is also filled with love and happiness too.

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself. It allows the wounds to heal. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself for holding on to resentment for so long. Sometimes we have to take the moral high ground for ourselves. Even if this means forgiving someone who doesn’t even think they need forgiving.

When you accept what has happened, vow to try to not let it happen again, forgiveness is possible. There comes a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and say it’s times to let go of all this hurt and anger that i’m feeling. Even if it means we sometimes have to say sorry ourselves to the person who we feel has caused us the hurt! Surely it’s better to do this and get the boulder of forgiveness rolling, rather than just letting it crush us, because we aren’t prepared to budge our opinion on who was right and who was wrong in any given situation. It will make you feel free so you can better enjoy this life and move forward in a better state of mind.

After Party Blues

I always think this time of year is particularly hard, the feeling that summer is over and now there’s nothing to look forward to. The feeling that all you’ve got to expect is colder more grotty weather and days that are getting shorter and darker. The only thing on the horizon is Christmas, and that’s still months away! Mind you, some people actually list that on their things to dread.

It’s especially more pronounced this year I think because we’ve have such a amazing and exciting summer. What with the Jubilee, the Olympics and even Andy Murry winning a Grand Slam, if tennis floats your boat. Now that is all over there’s a real danger of the country falling into a post party gloom. As a nation it’s almost like we’ve all had an amazing holiday feeling all summer long and now it’s over, we’re back to reality and there’s nothing to look forward to but a feeling of cold grey skies with the outlook of drizzle.

It’s all to easy to start feeling that life has lost it’s sparkle and start spiralling into that dark whirlpool of hopelessness and once you’re there, take it from me, it’s so hard to get back out again.

The key here is to find your balancing point, the middle of your see-saw, the crest of your wave if you like and try to stay on it for as long as you can. Don’t try and compare every day to the memories of what has been, or indeed try and predict what you think life has in store for you in the future. Just learn to be happy where you are right now.

Don’t get me wrong, great memories of sunshine and celebration are fantastic things to look back on, but comparing that feeling to the everyday and wishing that life was like that all the time is a dangerous game to play.

As for the future, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been around enough to know that life is very rarely how we predict in our mind that it’s going to be.

Life has a tendancy to throw a curve ball at us and pull the rug from beneath us, when we are least expecting it. I’m not saying all these curve balls and pulled rugs are all bad, sometimes amazing things or people come our way that we aren’t expecting either. The fact is we don’t know what the future has got in store for us, so there’s really no point painting yourself a gloomy picture of what you think might be.

Just stay focused on one day at a time and be thankful for all the things you do have right now. The little things that we take for granted that really make a difference in our lives. If it helps make a list of the things that you know make you smile. Things that have given you that spark of excitement and made you happy and make plans to do more of them!

Remember, life isn’t always a party but that doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic anyway. There is still so many things in the every day that lift our hearts and keep us on the top of our waves. Achieving a goal, or finishing a project that your proud of can always give us that little lift we are looking for. Family and friends, and even pets constantly do things that put a smile on our faces. Look around you, believe me, there are so many people that actually think you’re amazing even if you don’t know that they do. So hang on to those facts the next time you’re feeling low and start thinking is this all there is, because actually what you’ve got is pretty damn awesome.

Somebody to lean on

It’s really hard when someone we really care about is hurting, sometimes finding the right way to support that person is actually quite hard. It’s normal to feel like you want to make things ‘all better’ for that person, but it’s not always that straight forward. Seeing people in distress can actually make us feel pain and overwhelmed particularly when it’s someone we love.

First of all, everybody is different and has different needs and different ways of coping. What feels supportive for one may not feel supportive for someone else. So don’t presume to know what someone needs or wants from you for support. It’s ok to admit that sometimes you just don’t know how to help them. Ask them the question. “How can I best support you? or what do you need from me to help you feel I am here for you?” If they say they don’t know, let them know that if there IS something they want, to let you know and if you can help, you will. Just letting them know you are there is often help in itself.

It’s also important to let people be where they are emotionally and let them know that what ever they are feeling it’s ok. Feelings are just that – feelings. Not good or bad, not right or wrong. Life experiences give us the full range of normal, human emotions. Feeling distress is not necessarily a negative thing. Even the most difficult experiences teach us about who we are, our relationship to others and the world around us. When bad things happen it actually forces us out of our comfort zones and makes us stronger and more prepared for the future.

So often, what people really need in times of distress is just someone who can listen without judging them and with a sympathetic response.

Be aware of how you phrase things and the way in which you say them. Don’t say things like “You Shouldn’t . . .” or “Don’t . . .” . Those kind of answers are basically saying “What you are feeling is bad or wrong” or “Stop it” or “get rid of it.”

Accept the persons feelings how they are, don’t ask them to explain or defend the way they are feeling. Resist the need to ask a lot of questions about whatever it is that has caused the grief as it may well have a negative effect and cause them to shut off completely.

Whatever you do, resist the urge to say “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” chances are this will make them feel worse, knowing that they feel unable to do so. More positive feedback is best given when that person is at a stage when they are open to hear it.

Don’t rush in too soon trying to fix things. Sometimes just being there and allowing the person to say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel and ask what they might need to is the best way of being supportive.

Ask yourself how you would feel in their situation. Although it is really useful to draw on your own past experiences as an example, this isn’t always the case. If you yourself have unresolved issues or hurt on what they are going through, it’s going to effect your ability to be objective and neutral. So know your own limits.

Don’t expect that you should know all the right answers and don’t let yourself feel guilty about it if you don’t. It’s ok to remove yourself from a ‘supportive’ role if you really don’t think you’ll be able to help. Be honest with the person but reassure them the you are of course able to just ‘be there’ for them.

Finally of course, always offer a hug. Being held, hugged, having a shoulder to cry on or just someone yo lean on can feel amazing when the crud has hit the fan. Sometimes just a hug in silence can say much more and be so much more comforting than any words are able to.
Be good to yourself, and each other.

Everybody Hurts . . . Sometimes

I don’t think any of us hasn’t been emotionally moved when listening to a ‘sad song’, we’ve all got our favorite ones. As the awesome song from R.E.M goes, “Everybody hurts, sometimes”. We all experience emotional pain and sometimes that actually comes across as physical pain. When we are experiencing heartache, our hearts actually do hurt – well, perhaps not our heart, but something in your body does hurt, and badly.

People often have a very low tolerance for the pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible, by any means available. This is totally understandable of course. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin; and if your body hurts, you want to take a pain killer or rest, sleep or go to the doctors to sort it out.

Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to just let yourself feel it, without trying to make it better, because it’s the only way to the other side of feeling that pain.

When we have physical pain, it means that something has gone wrong in the body, you might worry about having a pain. You may wonder if you’re OK. You want the pain to stop, wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to stop it.

The same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or frustration and wonder if you are ever going to be OK. You feel the pain and wonder if the pain will ever go away and how you are going to get through it.

The interesting thing is that we do survive it eventually, every time.

Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be totally debilitating and can take away your want to do things such as eat, walk, talk and just basically function, but it doesn’t actually stop you from doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is  wrong, that’s not the case with emotional pain. That is why you don’t need to be afraid of emotional pain. It’s not going to kill you. It’s not going to cripple you. It’s not going to blind you. Although it does REALLY hurt.

Emotional pain will go away if you let yourself feel it. Often in that situaton you feel like you can’t do anything else.  But if you do not face it and feel it, it can linger for a lifetime while you try and take actions to avoid feeling it.

Don’t be afraid to spend time with people, they will understand how you’re feeling. Don’t let yourself feel guilty about how miserable you are feeling either or about the times people do break through the fog and even make you laugh you’re allowed to laugh even when you feel you shouldn’t be laughing. Don’t hold onto the pain and don’t be afraid to let it go.

It’s natural to try and make plans about how you are going to stop feeling the pain, but don’t. When it’s particularly bad, try taking yourself off to a quiet room with some background music, lay down close your eyes and take slow deep breaths in and out. Allow yourself to cry if it happens, let yourself grieve the situation that has caused the emotional hurt, until the peak of the pain eases.

It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but sadly it is a part of life that none of us can avoid, and it’s better to know that we can get through it than to be afraid of letting it overwhelm us. Remind yourself of all the people that are around you, that love you and support you and want you to be happy. It WILL get better if you allow yourself to feel it and get through to the other side.

Philosophical Phursday

Well we've had the excitement of Gold from good old Bradley Wiggings, and the marvellous Helen Glover and Heather Stanning and it’s been nearly a week now since we all sat in wonder and watched the Olympic opening ceremony, even if they did announce the Queens arrival in French before having it in English! RUDE!! Only the most cynical of us could pick holes and not be impressed in what Mr Danny Boyle came up with.

There were moments where everyone must of said WOW that’s amazing! There were also moments where we all laughed out loud, I’m thinking of James Bond and the Queen and the brilliant Rowan Atkinson of course. Overall I think it left most of us feeling rather proud as a Nation.

Then of course the VERY LONG marching in of the teams started, I’m pretty sure most people who watched that bit were all thinking at some point, “There’s a country called that! where the heck is that country!?”. All finished off of course by British legends of Olympics literally handing over torches to the upcoming young athletes of tomorrow. Who then lit that amazingly beautiful cauldron that closed together like a flower.

I myself decided to switch off and go to bed when Sir Paul stepped up and started belting out ‘Hey Jude’ as I know he always gets carried away with that song and it may well of lasted another hour and a half. And I like Paul McCartney!

There was something rather awe-inspiring as all the teams were marching in one after the other though, that made me think. Here were 204 different nationalities from contrasting cultures, and conflicting religions and beliefs all coming together under one roof. All smiling, all cheering, all looking like they were thrilled to be a part of this global community, all having a deep respect for all the other athletes, and all supporting the same set of rules that the Olympics are run by.

I couldn’t help but think wouldn’t it be nice if we all could do that more often, without the need of a global sporting event. Wouldn’t it be an amazing world to live in if all those countries that take part and all the ones that haven’t, could learn to take a step back, put aside our differences, and see that infact we are all under the same sky. That our reasons for arguments and hostility aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things.

Generally speaking we all share the same notions of good and bad and right and wrong, even if our cultures and beliefs are poles apart. I’m not talking about the extremists of course who do unspeakable things under what they believe to be religious grounds, sadly most of which have no relation to the the religion they claim to be following.

It’s a shame that the respect for each other that comes with the ‘Olympic Spirit’ can’t spill over and spread itself out on a global scale long after the closing ceremony has finished. Still, as one of Mr McCartney’s old co-workers once said “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” and as long as there are dreamers like me and others out there, there is still hope for us all, for a brighter, better and more peaceful tomorrow. (Look after yourself and each other.)