It’s really hard when someone we really care about is hurting, sometimes finding the right way to support that person is actually quite hard. It’s normal to feel like you want to make things ‘all better’ for that person, but it’s not always that straight forward. Seeing people in distress can actually make us feel pain and overwhelmed particularly when it’s someone we love.
First of all, everybody is different and has different needs and different ways of coping. What feels supportive for one may not feel supportive for someone else. So don’t presume to know what someone needs or wants from you for support. It’s ok to admit that sometimes you just don’t know how to help them. Ask them the question. “How can I best support you? or what do you need from me to help you feel I am here for you?” If they say they don’t know, let them know that if there IS something they want, to let you know and if you can help, you will. Just letting them know you are there is often help in itself.
It’s also important to let people be where they are emotionally and let them know that what ever they are feeling it’s ok. Feelings are just that – feelings. Not good or bad, not right or wrong. Life experiences give us the full range of normal, human emotions. Feeling distress is not necessarily a negative thing. Even the most difficult experiences teach us about who we are, our relationship to others and the world around us. When bad things happen it actually forces us out of our comfort zones and makes us stronger and more prepared for the future.
So often, what people really need in times of distress is just someone who can listen without judging them and with a sympathetic response.
Be aware of how you phrase things and the way in which you say them. Don’t say things like “You Shouldn’t . . .” or “Don’t . . .” . Those kind of answers are basically saying “What you are feeling is bad or wrong” or “Stop it” or “get rid of it.”
Accept the persons feelings how they are, don’t ask them to explain or defend the way they are feeling. Resist the need to ask a lot of questions about whatever it is that has caused the grief as it may well have a negative effect and cause them to shut off completely.
Whatever you do, resist the urge to say “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” chances are this will make them feel worse, knowing that they feel unable to do so. More positive feedback is best given when that person is at a stage when they are open to hear it.
Don’t rush in too soon trying to fix things. Sometimes just being there and allowing the person to say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel and ask what they might need to is the best way of being supportive.
Ask yourself how you would feel in their situation. Although it is really useful to draw on your own past experiences as an example, this isn’t always the case. If you yourself have unresolved issues or hurt on what they are going through, it’s going to effect your ability to be objective and neutral. So know your own limits.
Don’t expect that you should know all the right answers and don’t let yourself feel guilty about it if you don’t. It’s ok to remove yourself from a ‘supportive’ role if you really don’t think you’ll be able to help. Be honest with the person but reassure them the you are of course able to just ‘be there’ for them.
Finally of course, always offer a hug. Being held, hugged, having a shoulder to cry on or just someone yo lean on can feel amazing when the crud has hit the fan. Sometimes just a hug in silence can say much more and be so much more comforting than any words are able to.
Be good to yourself, and each other.
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