Learning to Let Go

Well last week I was talking about forgiveness, a big part of which is learning to let go. I think we’re all guilty of hanging on to things that hurt us, even if sometimes we’re not even aware of what it is that we’re hanging onto. How many times have you thought about letting go of emotional baggage, thinking “when I get rid of this, things going to be different”? The sad fact is that most of the time we never get round to letting what ever it is go, so we never get to emotionally move away from it.

The reason letting go is so hard, is because what we have to let go of is not the person or the situation, but the part of ourself that comes from thinking about that person or situation.

The thing is, most of the time we’re not actually in control the person or sitution. The only thing we are in control of is ourselves and how we deal with the emotions that go along with those people or things.

Real letting go begins with a kind of unraveling, where we begin to recognize that what we need to let go of is the part of ourselves that believes without that person, or without that situation we will somehow lose a part of ourselves that makes us who we are.

That’s the trouble with the human mind our view of ourself is often given to us by the people we surround ourselves with and the situations we find ourselves in. The trick is to know what you really need to hold on to and what parts would be better if you let them go.

A lot of the time we feel at a loss, not because it’s something or someone has changed, but because we don’t know who we are without that person or situation we find ourselves attached to. So that person or situation was defining our sense of self and purpose.

So from there we have to begin to recognise the process and realize, that if we’re going to really learn to let go, it’s going to require us understanding that we have to give up the way we think of things if I want to actually give up the pain or the problem that we have.

Ok, so we understand in our minds that it is wrong to hold on to things that are hurting us, but how do we actually go about doing it?

Generally speaking it’s never a good plan to hold a grudge. I doesn’t matter what anybody said or did to you, going around hating people or letting previous encounters derive your future is never going to solve anything.

It is possible that day after day, if we think about it, we can see that thing we’ve been hanging onto is less and less important in the grand scheme of things. It’s a long process because generally the amount of importance we attach to something is the degree to which we’re punishing ourselves with it.

If you had a suitcase, and everywhere you went, you took your suitcase, and wherever you put the suitcase down, it unclipped itself and out popped a large mechanical hammer and hit you on the head, pretty soon you would want to get rid of that suitcase wouldn’t you! Emotional baggage is exactly the same!

That’s what we do! A part of us we carry with us, everywhere we go. In those idle moments we’re always thinking back on it, looking upon it, asking it, judging ourselves and others by it, and all the time, whatever we do, without exception, we get a smack round the head by the content of our own past.

All we need to do to let go of something, is to begin to realize that if we’re suffering by holding on to it. Squeezing it tighter and making the situation worse isn’t going to help.

Whatever it is, if you start thinking “I hope this happens” or “I want thing to turn out this way,”  we are subconsiously putting promises in our mind that if things work out the way they do in our heads everything will be fantastic!  What we can’t see in that moment is that the more we hold onto the idea of how things should be, the more we struggle with events as they might turn out.

Being aware of the things that we are hanging onto is the first step towards letting go of them, because if we are continually looking at situations and go over them again and again in our heads we’re not going forward at all. We’re just continually living over and over again in the past.

So start today by mentally shaking off the thing that is holding you back, put it into perspective and look forwards to a better tomorrow.

Look after yourself, and each other.

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget I say! The thing is it’s fairly easy to say it – although meaning it is quite a different thing. A lot of people can just about manage the forgiving part but struggle with the forgetting! The trouble is, to forgive someone properly you have to let go of whatever the wrong was and not hold onto it. Just saying the words is only a small part of the solution, you have to actually mean it. Everyone can relate to carrying a grudge that's gone on for far too long. This is how we are built. As long as there are relationships of any kind, there will be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, even though sometimes it gets mixed up with its close cousin, acceptance, which while important, isn’t quite the same thing. For a lot of people, being able to forgive someone properly actually allows us to truly move on and get over the pain that we were feeling. A life lived without forgiveness is a life of real pain for those involved.

Forgiveness has a place for everyone, regardless of your age or level of hurt. Everyone probably has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive. So how can we take a  step forward, even when deeply hurt, to take charge of our lives so it is possible to forgive?

One way to look at it is the past is the present, and it's the future too, because past wounds, from any source, can infect our present and the way we carry on in the future. If you were hurt by someone, you may carry a grudge, even if you not overly aware that you are or be so hurt that you are psychologically ready to be hurt again and again.

Someone says something that they consider not very important, but you can't help but interpret it as another dig at you! You are the walking wounded and the past becomes your present. Yes, you are hurt, but that wound carries on hurting you all the time it is left open. If that person is aware that they have hurt your feelings and says sorry, it makes it easier to let go of the hurt. It's easier to let go because that person has done half of the healing work. But, what if that person doesn't even know that they have hurt you? It may be in your interest to find a way to forgive them anyway – and let it go.

Sometimes it’s best to actually go up to that person and let them know that they have hurt you (at least from your point of view). You may well get some understanding from this or over defensiveness – or something in the middle. But you still will need to find a way to let it go and move on. Doing something is better than doing nothing and letting the situation fester.

So what if you discover that a person is purposely trying to hurt you, and won't stop? At this point you may need to forgive yourself for letting that person get under your skin so badly. There are tried and tested ways to handle a bully, but it is difficult to be effective if you are so hurt yourself.

We are all wounded by people and words in some way. You will be surprised to hear of all the wounds that normal people carry with them every day from the past. Many of these wounds can actually determine how people feel about themselves for their entire lifetime. 

So, how do you break free? There is no easy process but, who wants to be held down by the past? Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance.  Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don't come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. Carrying old wounds is simply a burden that steals the pleasure from the life that we have now. Let’s face it, we are not on this earth forever, and sitting being a victim all your life it not anyone’s idea of fun.

Knowing that you have a hurt that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and resentment. I often think that the word ‘FAIR’ is a four letter word, too many people can't get over just how unfair life is. Such pain, what’s the point!? Life is unfair at times, but it is also filled with love and happiness too.

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself. It allows the wounds to heal. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself for holding on to resentment for so long. Sometimes we have to take the moral high ground for ourselves. Even if this means forgiving someone who doesn’t even think they need forgiving.

When you accept what has happened, vow to try to not let it happen again, forgiveness is possible. There comes a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and say it’s times to let go of all this hurt and anger that i’m feeling. Even if it means we sometimes have to say sorry ourselves to the person who we feel has caused us the hurt! Surely it’s better to do this and get the boulder of forgiveness rolling, rather than just letting it crush us, because we aren’t prepared to budge our opinion on who was right and who was wrong in any given situation. It will make you feel free so you can better enjoy this life and move forward in a better state of mind.

After Party Blues

I always think this time of year is particularly hard, the feeling that summer is over and now there’s nothing to look forward to. The feeling that all you’ve got to expect is colder more grotty weather and days that are getting shorter and darker. The only thing on the horizon is Christmas, and that’s still months away! Mind you, some people actually list that on their things to dread.

It’s especially more pronounced this year I think because we’ve have such a amazing and exciting summer. What with the Jubilee, the Olympics and even Andy Murry winning a Grand Slam, if tennis floats your boat. Now that is all over there’s a real danger of the country falling into a post party gloom. As a nation it’s almost like we’ve all had an amazing holiday feeling all summer long and now it’s over, we’re back to reality and there’s nothing to look forward to but a feeling of cold grey skies with the outlook of drizzle.

It’s all to easy to start feeling that life has lost it’s sparkle and start spiralling into that dark whirlpool of hopelessness and once you’re there, take it from me, it’s so hard to get back out again.

The key here is to find your balancing point, the middle of your see-saw, the crest of your wave if you like and try to stay on it for as long as you can. Don’t try and compare every day to the memories of what has been, or indeed try and predict what you think life has in store for you in the future. Just learn to be happy where you are right now.

Don’t get me wrong, great memories of sunshine and celebration are fantastic things to look back on, but comparing that feeling to the everyday and wishing that life was like that all the time is a dangerous game to play.

As for the future, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been around enough to know that life is very rarely how we predict in our mind that it’s going to be.

Life has a tendancy to throw a curve ball at us and pull the rug from beneath us, when we are least expecting it. I’m not saying all these curve balls and pulled rugs are all bad, sometimes amazing things or people come our way that we aren’t expecting either. The fact is we don’t know what the future has got in store for us, so there’s really no point painting yourself a gloomy picture of what you think might be.

Just stay focused on one day at a time and be thankful for all the things you do have right now. The little things that we take for granted that really make a difference in our lives. If it helps make a list of the things that you know make you smile. Things that have given you that spark of excitement and made you happy and make plans to do more of them!

Remember, life isn’t always a party but that doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic anyway. There is still so many things in the every day that lift our hearts and keep us on the top of our waves. Achieving a goal, or finishing a project that your proud of can always give us that little lift we are looking for. Family and friends, and even pets constantly do things that put a smile on our faces. Look around you, believe me, there are so many people that actually think you’re amazing even if you don’t know that they do. So hang on to those facts the next time you’re feeling low and start thinking is this all there is, because actually what you’ve got is pretty damn awesome.