Somebody to lean on

It’s really hard when someone we really care about is hurting, sometimes finding the right way to support that person is actually quite hard. It’s normal to feel like you want to make things ‘all better’ for that person, but it’s not always that straight forward. Seeing people in distress can actually make us feel pain and overwhelmed particularly when it’s someone we love.

First of all, everybody is different and has different needs and different ways of coping. What feels supportive for one may not feel supportive for someone else. So don’t presume to know what someone needs or wants from you for support. It’s ok to admit that sometimes you just don’t know how to help them. Ask them the question. “How can I best support you? or what do you need from me to help you feel I am here for you?” If they say they don’t know, let them know that if there IS something they want, to let you know and if you can help, you will. Just letting them know you are there is often help in itself.

It’s also important to let people be where they are emotionally and let them know that what ever they are feeling it’s ok. Feelings are just that – feelings. Not good or bad, not right or wrong. Life experiences give us the full range of normal, human emotions. Feeling distress is not necessarily a negative thing. Even the most difficult experiences teach us about who we are, our relationship to others and the world around us. When bad things happen it actually forces us out of our comfort zones and makes us stronger and more prepared for the future.

So often, what people really need in times of distress is just someone who can listen without judging them and with a sympathetic response.

Be aware of how you phrase things and the way in which you say them. Don’t say things like “You Shouldn’t . . .” or “Don’t . . .” . Those kind of answers are basically saying “What you are feeling is bad or wrong” or “Stop it” or “get rid of it.”

Accept the persons feelings how they are, don’t ask them to explain or defend the way they are feeling. Resist the need to ask a lot of questions about whatever it is that has caused the grief as it may well have a negative effect and cause them to shut off completely.

Whatever you do, resist the urge to say “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” chances are this will make them feel worse, knowing that they feel unable to do so. More positive feedback is best given when that person is at a stage when they are open to hear it.

Don’t rush in too soon trying to fix things. Sometimes just being there and allowing the person to say what they need to say, feel what they need to feel and ask what they might need to is the best way of being supportive.

Ask yourself how you would feel in their situation. Although it is really useful to draw on your own past experiences as an example, this isn’t always the case. If you yourself have unresolved issues or hurt on what they are going through, it’s going to effect your ability to be objective and neutral. So know your own limits.

Don’t expect that you should know all the right answers and don’t let yourself feel guilty about it if you don’t. It’s ok to remove yourself from a ‘supportive’ role if you really don’t think you’ll be able to help. Be honest with the person but reassure them the you are of course able to just ‘be there’ for them.

Finally of course, always offer a hug. Being held, hugged, having a shoulder to cry on or just someone yo lean on can feel amazing when the crud has hit the fan. Sometimes just a hug in silence can say much more and be so much more comforting than any words are able to.
Be good to yourself, and each other.

Everybody Hurts . . . Sometimes

I don’t think any of us hasn’t been emotionally moved when listening to a ‘sad song’, we’ve all got our favorite ones. As the awesome song from R.E.M goes, “Everybody hurts, sometimes”. We all experience emotional pain and sometimes that actually comes across as physical pain. When we are experiencing heartache, our hearts actually do hurt – well, perhaps not our heart, but something in your body does hurt, and badly.

People often have a very low tolerance for the pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible, by any means available. This is totally understandable of course. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin; and if your body hurts, you want to take a pain killer or rest, sleep or go to the doctors to sort it out.

Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to just let yourself feel it, without trying to make it better, because it’s the only way to the other side of feeling that pain.

When we have physical pain, it means that something has gone wrong in the body, you might worry about having a pain. You may wonder if you’re OK. You want the pain to stop, wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to stop it.

The same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or frustration and wonder if you are ever going to be OK. You feel the pain and wonder if the pain will ever go away and how you are going to get through it.

The interesting thing is that we do survive it eventually, every time.

Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be totally debilitating and can take away your want to do things such as eat, walk, talk and just basically function, but it doesn’t actually stop you from doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is  wrong, that’s not the case with emotional pain. That is why you don’t need to be afraid of emotional pain. It’s not going to kill you. It’s not going to cripple you. It’s not going to blind you. Although it does REALLY hurt.

Emotional pain will go away if you let yourself feel it. Often in that situaton you feel like you can’t do anything else.  But if you do not face it and feel it, it can linger for a lifetime while you try and take actions to avoid feeling it.

Don’t be afraid to spend time with people, they will understand how you’re feeling. Don’t let yourself feel guilty about how miserable you are feeling either or about the times people do break through the fog and even make you laugh you’re allowed to laugh even when you feel you shouldn’t be laughing. Don’t hold onto the pain and don’t be afraid to let it go.

It’s natural to try and make plans about how you are going to stop feeling the pain, but don’t. When it’s particularly bad, try taking yourself off to a quiet room with some background music, lay down close your eyes and take slow deep breaths in and out. Allow yourself to cry if it happens, let yourself grieve the situation that has caused the emotional hurt, until the peak of the pain eases.

It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but sadly it is a part of life that none of us can avoid, and it’s better to know that we can get through it than to be afraid of letting it overwhelm us. Remind yourself of all the people that are around you, that love you and support you and want you to be happy. It WILL get better if you allow yourself to feel it and get through to the other side.

Philosophical Phursday

Well we've had the excitement of Gold from good old Bradley Wiggings, and the marvellous Helen Glover and Heather Stanning and it’s been nearly a week now since we all sat in wonder and watched the Olympic opening ceremony, even if they did announce the Queens arrival in French before having it in English! RUDE!! Only the most cynical of us could pick holes and not be impressed in what Mr Danny Boyle came up with.

There were moments where everyone must of said WOW that’s amazing! There were also moments where we all laughed out loud, I’m thinking of James Bond and the Queen and the brilliant Rowan Atkinson of course. Overall I think it left most of us feeling rather proud as a Nation.

Then of course the VERY LONG marching in of the teams started, I’m pretty sure most people who watched that bit were all thinking at some point, “There’s a country called that! where the heck is that country!?”. All finished off of course by British legends of Olympics literally handing over torches to the upcoming young athletes of tomorrow. Who then lit that amazingly beautiful cauldron that closed together like a flower.

I myself decided to switch off and go to bed when Sir Paul stepped up and started belting out ‘Hey Jude’ as I know he always gets carried away with that song and it may well of lasted another hour and a half. And I like Paul McCartney!

There was something rather awe-inspiring as all the teams were marching in one after the other though, that made me think. Here were 204 different nationalities from contrasting cultures, and conflicting religions and beliefs all coming together under one roof. All smiling, all cheering, all looking like they were thrilled to be a part of this global community, all having a deep respect for all the other athletes, and all supporting the same set of rules that the Olympics are run by.

I couldn’t help but think wouldn’t it be nice if we all could do that more often, without the need of a global sporting event. Wouldn’t it be an amazing world to live in if all those countries that take part and all the ones that haven’t, could learn to take a step back, put aside our differences, and see that infact we are all under the same sky. That our reasons for arguments and hostility aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things.

Generally speaking we all share the same notions of good and bad and right and wrong, even if our cultures and beliefs are poles apart. I’m not talking about the extremists of course who do unspeakable things under what they believe to be religious grounds, sadly most of which have no relation to the the religion they claim to be following.

It’s a shame that the respect for each other that comes with the ‘Olympic Spirit’ can’t spill over and spread itself out on a global scale long after the closing ceremony has finished. Still, as one of Mr McCartney’s old co-workers once said “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” and as long as there are dreamers like me and others out there, there is still hope for us all, for a brighter, better and more peaceful tomorrow. (Look after yourself and each other.)